Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
The Friday Night Slaughter

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I Am Battle

2007. Jordan's on speakerphone with Grandma Dobson, playing the inspiration card. Grandma responds with a self-consciously Sorkinian line: "You think he'll stop being an inspiration unless he goes on TV?" As the camera pans around Jordan, we see that Hallie's in the room as well, looking every bit the devil on Jordan's shoulder, if Jordan ever had any impulses that didn't have to do with showing the world how intelligent and above-it-all her programming choices are. Jordan continues her weak-ass pitch to Grandma, who is just too media-savvy to fall for it. "You know you're not putting him on TV to inspire folks, you're putting him on to dance for them. Well, Reggie's in a wheelchair. He don't dance." I have no idea why nobody thinks to make a serious financial argument to this obviously intelligent woman. Medical bills are a bitch, and college tuition is no picnic either, particularly through medical school. No one -- Hallie? My go-to girl for self-motivated pragmatism? -- thought to level with Grandma and say, "Look, one hour giving the slobbering masses the feel-good story they want, and in return your bills are paid"? No one? Oh, right, we're not telling the story of these women being good at their jobs. We're telling the story of them yanking each other's hair out for Head Cheerleader. So Jordan asks how Grandma came to her decision, and she says that it was last Sunday, at church. Jordan gets A Look on her face, but says nothing. Hallie tags in and immediately makes the most dunderheaded arguments possible. First, she goes for the "It'll make Reggie a star" angle, like anything this woman has said would make you think that could work. Then, haughty as you please -- because reality TV people not-so-secretly hate you and everything you stand for -- Hallie begins to bring up the money argument, as clumsily and offensively as possible, but Jordan cuts her off: "It's not about money." She picks up the receiver and lets Grandma go without any further argument. She hangs up and tells Hallie to go with the porn star and the swim coach. "It's a blessing in disguise," smarms Hallie. "It's so much more promotable than a guy in a wheelchair." God, isn't she a bitch? I love how easily hateable she is. Jordan says she knows that Hallie wanted the porn star anyway; that's why she waited until the last minute to spring Grandma's cancellation on Jordan. She knows this because Grandma made her decision at church last Sunday. Hallie's face tells you this was a big ol' "gotcha" on Jordan's part, and Jordan menacingly tells Hallie she's "flying pretty close to the fire." Yeah, you totally showed her, Jordan. You can tell by how Hallie completely got what she wanted out of this whole deal.

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Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

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