Back at what remains of the Catholics in Media dinner, Matt is drunk and chain-smoking and changing the words of "Say a Little Prayer" to reflect his recent breakup. A woman approaches with a chair and says, "Hey, stupid." I like her already, It's actually Wendy the faux Pussycat Doll (Pussycan't Doll?), she of the ill-fated go-go boot incident. Matt's happy to see her, she was here with Natalie Cole, they're working together on a blah blah blah. I like Wendy, but come on. I don't care who Natalie Cole's working with in real life, much less fake TV life. Wendy grabs the cigarette out of Matt's mouth and puts it out in his whiskey, saying, "There are more exciting ways to kill yourself," which is easily in my top ten of Ways To Make Me Hate Your Ass. Matt, to his credit, goes right ahead and lights up another one. He's beating himself up about the poverty/chastity joke, and about Harriet. He says that Wendy looks really nice, though, and it certainly looks like this is headed a certain way, especially when she offers to take him home. Matt can't go home; he needs to get back to work. Wendy offers to take him to the studio, then, and Matt accepts. He tells her again that she looks nice, and viewers start to place their bets on just how soon Matt is going to score with the go-go dancer to take his mind off of Harriet.
Writers' room. Andy is talking about mold and peering out through the blinds like he expects a cloud of deadly spores to round the corner and start closing in on him. Darius and Lucy look on like they've been listening to him go on like this for a while. Simon enters and greets Andy and "beautiful Lucy" before turning to Darius and addressing him as "Kunta Kinte." Darius shoots out of his chair and says, "That's it. You do not call me Kunta Kinte, and you do not do it in front of people!" Simon adopts that affectedly calm voice that's so maddening when you really want to have it out with someone, telling Darius to use his inside voice, and when Darius stays up in Simon's face, Simon gets serious and says, "I will break your arm." Andy intuits that this argument is no place for Whitey (I hear ya, dude), so he and Lucy hightail it out of there.
Darius takes off his jacket, ready to brawl, but Simon yells at him to sit down. He reminds Darius that he got him hired and when he did, he told Darius not to let him down. "I'm not letting you down," says Darius. "You're trippin'." Simon brings up Mongongo, and Darius says maybe he thought Lucy was better suited for it. "It turns out she is," says Simon, "because she's a writer." He tells Darius that you have to be a writer first and anything else second, and if you're given a pitch, you damn well run with it. I'm mixing my sports metaphors here, but you understand. Darius asks if it's so hard to understand that he doesn't want to be put in a box as "the black guy," but Simon tells him that he IS the black guy, and maybe he'd be better off not always thinking about what Whitey's perception of him is. Darius brings up the racist letters -- which freaked him out, but only freaked him out after he passed on Mongongo -- and Simon says that you have to learn to love 'em. "I love how stupid my haters are," says Simon. Word, dude. He says that none of them "can spell 'spearchucker' with a crayon." That's such a weird line -- sounds cool but makes no sense if you even give it a second's thought. Crayons are...supposed to help you spell things better? Anyway, Simon sums up that he and Matt brought Darius on staff for two reasons: "You're talented, and you're black. In that order." He reminds him that "writing rules, dum-dum." Okay, Simon, there's no need to start quoting The Great Gazoo out of nowhere. He pushes the Mongongo sketch over to Darius and tells him to help Matt with it. Darius relents: "Yeah." Simon's all, "'Scuse me?" And Darius replies, "Yes, sir." Seriously, Darius. That's Simon Stiles! The "Pimp My Trike" guy! Show some respect. Simon calls him "Chicken George" on his way out, and heads off to help someone else to be a better comedian via a week-long program of harassment and bullying.