Upstairs, Jordan is watching the video and asking how the hell this happened. Danny says that he doesn't know; it was material that came from the room. Jordan: "What are we going to do?" Danny: "Whatever Matt tells us to do. This is his. Accusing a writer of plagiarism...it doesn't matter if it's true or not." Jordan looks blank. Martha explains that it's about as bad as accusing him of being a sex offender. Danny tells Cal that they're going to have to rewrite News 60, break into the West Coast tape delay, and do the whole news segment again live. Matt walks in, all, "What's up, guys?" Danny breaks the news to Matt; the comic's name, by the way, is Lenny Gold. Well, at least they didn't name him Strindberg. Matt hits things. Martha looks uncomfortable with the evidence up on her laptop, and Jordan reaches over and gently closes it. Matt thinks for a second, and then says that they need to get Lenny Gold on the phone -- if he's anywhere near L.A. they're going to invite him down to the studio to do it on camera himself. Danny asks what happens if they can't find the guy. Matt says that he'll write another ninety seconds, but that the first thirty will be an explanation and an apology. I just wanted to tell y'all here that Matthew Perry is hot. THANKS. Jordan suggests that perhaps they should wait for Legal. Matt says that they're not waiting for anything, then: "But when you get Legal, ask them what they think the settlement's gonna be in the copyright infringement suit we're all gonna be named defendants in." Heh. Someone asks about the audience, since there isn't going to be one. Matt refuses to use the "box," so it's decided that they'll collect $20 bills and pay people from off the street to fill the audience. Everyone starts moving.
Jordan, Cal, and Danny pedeconference while Danny tries to figure out the math on the seven-second delay: "How does that work. You add seven seconds?" Cal says no, you subtract it. Danny doesn't understand math, and insists that you add it. Oh, Danny. Jordan feels positively bathed in confidence at this. She asks Cal if this is really going to work. Cal is sure. Jordan asks whether he's done this before. Cal: "A hundred times. Well, really, no, never, but I can't think what the problem would be." Jordan's like, "Sure, what could possibly go wrong?"
Danny comes upon Ricky and Ron in a hallway -- they say they've just heard and are going to talk to Matt. In response, Danny grabs Ron and slams his ass up against the wall. It's pretty manly and cool. "Who was it, Ricky?" Danny bellows. Ricky won't tell -- he claims it was the "room," but he and Ron take responsibility. Danny wants to know exactly who it was, but Ricky refuses to rat out his writer. Ron is also not budging. Danny relents for now, and tells them to go help collect cash to buy an audience.
Matt's with Simon, who is freaking out. Matt explains that they'll break into the broadcast after Meet The Press, do an explanation and an apology, and then go into their jokes. Simon says (hee. That's never not funny) they need to be able to prove it's live, so Matt gets Maisy on the case to find a sports score from somewhere, anywhere in the world, as long as it's current. Simon is really upset about this; he says that even when he was busing tables at Hamburger Hamlet and doing six comedy clubs a night for $10 a set and a free drink, he never stole a joke. Matt assures Simon that he didn't tonight, either: "I did." Aw, Matt. Come here.
Never mind. Here comes Harriet. She says that was awful, what happened earlier, but that it took her by surprise, too! "I just opened the door and he kissed me!" Matt says that he nearly rushed in to help when he saw her struggling to break free. Harriet asks him to stop walking for a second. Matt: "Date the Los Angeles Lakers, Harriet. I don't care right now." Ew, no, Harriet. Not the Los Angeles Lakers. People named "Kobe" are part of that team. Please refer to my staff bio for more information. Dramatic music plays as Matt sprints up the stairs, and Harriet says, to no one in particular, "I understand." As well you should, bat-girl. A voice over the intercom beckons Harriet to the stage in five minutes, and...commercials.
We return to Matt in his office, typing away. Matt looks over at his monitor, where the show is already at Meet The Press. Our good friend the caption reads "West Coast Feed: 12:08 AM." We see a little of Harriet's awesome Juliette Lewis impression, which includes the removal of her retainer. Matt smiles, and goes back to his typing.
Martha asks Danny how something like this could happen. Danny says that it doesn't, usually, and hopes she's noted that they've taken all the steps to correct it. She has. Danny tells her also to note that she can't think of anything else they should be doing. Martha, a little snidely: "It's my story; I'll note what I want." Danny: "NOTE IT!" Martha -- who clearly loves Danny and his abuse -- says that she is. She asks again how something like this happens. Danny explains that Matt didn't start out in TV, so he has a hard time writing with a group, but that Danny suggested he start getting the other writers involved; Ricky and Ron gave him the material, and that Matt did what Danny told him to do. Martha says that seems reasonable. Danny: "Well, write down that it's reasonable." Martha's all, "How 'bout if you write the piece and I just put my name on it?" Oh, you two. Christine Lahti's cleavage nods in approval of this flirtation. Danny catches Harriet as she's walking by, and implores her to go to the desk and calm Simon down before he eats it on camera. Harriet says that she's on it. Danny adds, "And Harry? Isn't Matt's psycho obsession with you a problem enough for us without you making out with baseball players in front of him?" Oh, NO. Harriet tries to explain herself, but Danny's not having it. He orders her to the desk. She goes.
Harriet sits at the news desk next to Simon in her little Tina Fey blazer. She tells him that, if this had happened where she grew up, the guy would have to sit there while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character. Simon nods in recognition, and says that's exactly what would have happened where he grew up, too! "Except, we would have driven by the guy's house and shot him with a Gat-9." Harriet: "See, there's more that unites us than divides us."
An usher leads the members of the new audience in. It's a motley crew of army men, prostitutes, tourists, gangsters, and one sad-looking Blue Man. Cal lets the cast know that they're two minutes out. Jordan leans over and asks him, "The guys in the red, are they Crips?" Cal explains that red = Bloods. Jordan hopes that they're insured for this. Cal calls over to a PA to move the woman in the fishnet top, since she's not wearing anything underneath. Heh. Everyone's all freaked out about the audience. Simon can't believe that this is happening. Harriet gives him a reassuring little grin.
Upstairs, Matt sends the new material to the printer downstairs. He tells Maisy that they're going to have to use hard copies at the desk, since there isn't time for cue cards. In addition to taking care of all this, Maisy has also found current scores for a cricket match in Bangalore. Matt just shrugs his shoulders, all, "Why not?"
Downstairs, a PA grabs the new material off the printer and hauls ass to slap it into the hands of Harriet, Simon, and a bonus one for Danny. He takes it, dons his headset, and gets ready: "Okay, everybody, just like we did it three hours ago! Only, you know. Legal." Cal counts it down, and they go live. Simon explai