Anyway, here's Simon, who's got another Very Special Plotline slung over his shoulder, so that should help. He pulls Matt off to the side and asks him to head off to the Improv tonight and catch this Willy Willz guy. Matt begs off, citing "Harriet and Sandy Koufax" as his reason, and suggests that Simon get Danny. Simon doesn't want Danny, because Danny's not the one who doesn't employ a single black writer in his writers' room. Matt naturally gets indignant at the implication that he's racist, and says he didn't hire any of the writers on staff right now. The "and I don't even let their hacky asses write anything for the show anyway, so who cares?" is silent. Matt does ask Simon whether this is a "diversity issue," and Simon Says, "Yeah." I guess Matt expected Simon to back down, because he's just like, "...okay." But then Simon does back down (?) and reframes it as a "not everybody went to Harvard" issue -- which is as weirdly double-bagged a statement here (Matt didn't go to Harvard, and Simon himself went to Yale Drama, yes?) as it was in The West Wing when charges of Jed Bartlet's Ivy League elitism were always deflected by the golden dome of Notre Dame. Matt chooses to get insulted at the implication that he's not writing well enough for Simon, and of course, Simon has to brush that off as ridiculous. He just thinks there is comedy to be mined from experiences beyond Matt's frame of reference, not to mention a "language in which [Matt] is not fluent." Matt's defense to all this: he was a bartender at a club where Patti LaBelle used to perform. Awesome. Nobody brings the street cred like Miss "I've Got a New Attitude." Matt wistfully tells a story about how all the club's black patrons would flock to the black bartender and not him, which he always thought was stupid since he could "mix a Courvoisier and Diet Coke like anybody else." Simon Says that's the kind of joke Matt would be too liberal-guilt-ridden to write for the show. The bottom line here: Simon's insulted that there are no black writers on the show, while Matt's insulted that Simon thinks he needs help writing the show. Simon Says that Matt's just gonna have to stand there and be insulted, then. And since Matt clearly can't let the black guy get the last word, he offers to drive to the Improv. Oh, kidding. Matt can't let anyone get the last word.
In the dressing room, Harriet and Jeannie gab while Samantha fixes her hair. Harriet is still talking about the almost-kiss and begs Jeannie not to go blabbing this info around, particularly not to Samantha. She's standing right next to Samantha as she says this, and Samantha's all, "Right here." What an odd joke. Anyway, Jordan sort of leans inside the doorway and congratulates the women for the great show tonight, and then sort of grins at them dumbly for a minute. She and Harriet make small talk about Nations, until Jordan blurts, "So I don't have any friends." Awkward. Still kind of buzzed and stumbly, Jordan explains that she used to have lots of friends: "In my high-school yearbook, I was voted second runner-up for Life Of The Party." Shit, lady, I was voted "Nicest," and look at where I ended up. Harriet mercifully asks Jordan if she'd like to hang out with the three of them tonight, which Jordan gleefully agrees to: "I think if you give me the chance, you'll find me delightful." "Let's not go for too much on your first night," says Harriet. Jeannie says that they've got to meet up with some people, but that they'll hook up later. Jordan: "This is so great!" Jeannie: "Relax." Jordan: "Okay." Hee. Jordan goes back to Harriet and mentions Darren Wells and how she and Harriet recently shared space in a gossip magazine. They pedeconference out the door, and Harriet gives Jordan the relevant 411 about Darren writing his number on a baseball bat for her. Jordan wonders of Darren would be so kind as to sign a baseball for her nephew. Harriet thinks so, and Jordan decides that her next task is to find a baseball. Harriet's next task is to pass Jordan off to Alex and Soratio Handz. Harriet tells them to help Jordan find a baseball, and then quickly runs off to be with someone less needy. Jordan wastes no time in freaking Alex and Soratio out with FriendQuest 2006. Poor Jordan. When even Alex and Soratio are thinking "...spaz," that's not good.