Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 4 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
The Hardy Whores Do Dallas

Rattle, Rattle THEN! -- this with an extra-special DUN!, for a door to the distant past has flung itself open to reveal...that unusually bendy brunette from the beginning of the third season! Buh? Dashing El Deano, perhaps mindful of our nonexistent attention spans, thoughtfully addresses the unusually bendy brunette as "Lisa" before directing our attention to her son, "Ben," who is probably the result of a particularly vigorous weekend Our Intrepid Hero spent with the confidently self-sufficient yoga instructress back in the day, and you'd best keep all of that information somewhere near the top of your head so you don't wind up wondering what the hell is going on when we finally see her again at the very end of the episode. Ooops! Spoiler! In other news, My Sweet Baboo believed Our Father could save them all until last week's God Whisperer crapped all over that particular hope with news that The Uber-Boss is dunzo as far as offers of Apocalyptic assistance are concerned, and things are looking pretty grim, indeed, for Team Free Will just as the...

...Rattle, Rattle NOW! barges onto the scene. Out of little more than habit at this point, the NOW! advances menacingly in eerie silence until...BAM! An extreme close-up of the Impala's speedometer fills the screen, and we watch for a moment as the needle jitters around the 90-per mark until the camera leaps up to catch Dean white-knuckling the steering wheel while tossing terrified -- yet luxuriously lashed -- glances into his rear-view mirror. "Drive faster!" Sam pants from the passenger seat, a lurid gash gouged into his heretofore remarkably healthy shoulder. "I can't!" Dean snaps back before regaining his composure somewhat and wondering if Sam's okay. "I'm amazing!" Sam grits as he, like, tries to pop his shoulder back into its socket, and the boys fret a bit about the unusually large den of demonically enhanced Midwesterners they're apparently fleeing until Dean nearly rams the Impala into a flaming semi jackknifed across the road in front of them. Fleet-Footed El Deano averts disaster by stomping down on Metallicar's brakes and, after muttering several dark imprecations under his breath, he throws the car into reverse to escape in the other direction when...SMASH! A demonically enhanced blonde with an immaculate French braid rams a fist through Dean's window and hauls Our Imperiled Hero bodily from the Impala just as one of her demonically enhanced compatriots does the same on Darling Sammy's side of the car. The assault ends before it's really gotten going, however, when a just-appearing firetruck starts hosing the attackers down with a jet blast of what can only be holy water, given the way the demonically enhanced immediately start in with the wails and the smoking and such, and as the boys gape, flabbergasted, some yokel with a bullhorn starts Latinating from the firetruck's cab. Soon enough, the demonically enhanced have fallen to their knees to expel vast streams of bitterly black goo from their noses and mouths, and when it's all over, the now thoroughly depossessed hosts keel over onto the asphalt, most likely dead.

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Supernatural

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