Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 9 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Have To Muddle Through Somehow

So, Madge and Eddie answer the door to deal with one of their overly enthusiastic neighbors, and by the time they return to the kitchen, Sam and Dean have magically managed to escape the ropes that had bound them to the chairs, and Our Dear Boys are now slamming shut and barricading the kitchen's only exits with various items of heavy furniture. Unfortunately for them, their evergreen stakes are down in the basement, so they've got to find new weaponry, and fast. Fortunately for them, the Carrigans have a live tree, so Our Intrepid Heroes quickly Dawn Davenport the thing to the carpet and dismember it, snapping off a couple of sturdy branches that'll suit their current purposes quite nicely. And long story short, after Madge and Fast Eddie inevitably escape from the kitchen to smack the boys around the first floor with some brutal hand-to-hand (at which Darling Sammy still suh-uh-uuuuucks, by the way), Sam and Dean manage to poke the two monsters full of holes, leaving Madge and Fast Eddie to drop against the floorboards, dead, with a couple of festively decorated Christmas tree branches protruding from their chests. It's all so sick and insensitive and silly and wrong that the entire sequence leaves me with a splendidly warm and fuzzy feeling inside. "Me, too!" Raoul agrees.

The Suckage Of Christmas Past. Very early on Christmas morning, Wee Dean shakes Wee Sam awake and excitedly points to a jury-rigged and raggedy-ass tree as proof that their worthless bastard of a so-called father returned with gifts for everyone in the middle of the night while Wee Sam was asleep. Hey! It's like Sucky John is Santa, or something! Whatever, Wee Dean. Super-Smart Wee Sammy's as suspicious as I am, but goes along with it anyway until Wee Dean passes him the presents Sucky John supposedly left behind: Sapphire Barbie and a spirit stick. Hee. Wee Sam calls his brother out on the latter's LYING ways, and Wee Dean's forced to admit he broke in to the "nice house up the block." I'd argue that no such thing exists in Broken Bow, Nebraska, but then I remember that, given the way his awful father's raised him thus far, Wee Dean would probably look at a shotgun-shack meth lab and call it a nice house. In any event, Wee Sam thinks about all this for a bit, makes a decision, and reaches into his jacket to pull out the present he'd earlier wrapped for Sucky John. "Here," he says, placing it on Wee Dean's knee, "take this." "No," Wee Dean shakes his head, "that's for [our worthless bastard of a so-called father]." "[Sucky John] lied to me," Sam replies. "I want you to have it." And I'd comment here on how Sam, so violently disabused of his belief in both Santa Claus and his worthless bastard of a so-called father in this night of positively Dickensian deprivation, has obviously transferred all of that faith onto his brother, but this hellish recap's already too long as it is, and I haven't even attempted to make it through the final scene yet. So, despite a couple more misgivings, Wee Dean eventually relents, and he undoes the newspaper wrapping to find...the amulet we've never seen Adult Dean without. Awwwwww. No, really! I mean it: Awwwwww. "I'm getting a little sniffly myself!" Raoul reluctantly admits. Must be the booze. "Oh, hush, you! And where's the Kleenex?!" Wee Dean genuinely loves the gift and places it around his neck immediately. Wee Sam smiles a tiny smile to himself and nods his head as if understanding he did exactly the right thing just now, and we cut instantly over to...

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