Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 9 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Have To Muddle Through Somehow

Santa's Village, of course, which is a thoroughly decrepit holiday-themed assemblage of broken-down shacks from the 1950s attached to a tree farm on the outskirts of town. Brain-damaged preadolescents skip merrily past a downtrodden-looking guy in a reindeer suit on their way to Santa's super-special enclave, and Blitzen shoots the kids a weary and deeply annoyed side-eye before shuffling past an equally blasé colleague in an elf costume just as Our Intrepid Heroes arrive on the lot. The boys back-and-forth a bit over the merits of Sam's Anti-Claus theory before Dean changes the subject by announcing that they should indulge in a traditional Christmas this year. "We'll get a tree, a little Boston Market!" he enthuses. "Just like when we were little!" And I'm sorry, Dean, but knowing how much your worthless bastard of a so-called father sucked, I'm not buying the Boston Market thing, because it's far more likely that cheapskate asshole just served the two of you some shoplifted Stouffer's macaroni and cheese he warmed up on the Impala's engine block. "Those weren't exactly Hallmark memories for me," Sam immediately pffts, lending credence to my theory, so thanks, Sam! They continue to bicker about the real or imagined suckage of Christmases past for a bit until Sam flatly refuses to indulge Dean's ludicrous wish for a "Christmas miracle" in their seedy motel room, and that sounds a lot dirtier than it did when the boys said it on the TV. "It certainly does!" Raoul giggles, dribbling flaming rum punch over his chin, and, um, Raoul? "Yes?!" Aren't you supposed to, you know, extinguish the fire before you sip the cocktail? "Certainly not! Honestly! I simply can't imagine the sorts of heathens who raised you for you even to suggest such a thing!" Fine! Fine! Just don't set your armchair on fire. "I'll try!" Yeesh. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes: Dean calls Sam a grinch and performs a Dean Winchester Patented Bow-Legged Clompy Stomp Of Faux Vengeance And Feigned Anger away from his pouty-lipped younger brother, who for his part drops his shaggily maned head to stare the plastic reindeer at his feet straight in the eye until he's hurled into...

...a beige-toned flashback to The Suckage Of Christmas Past! It's Christmas Eve, 1991, in Broken Bow, Nebraska, and Wee Sam turns his attention from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer on the ancient motel TV long enough to finish wrapping a present for his worthless (and absent) bastard of a so-called father in some old newspaper. Over at the window, where he'd been watching the falling snow covering the motel's empty parking lot, Wee Dean hurls an angry glance over his shoulder and demands of Wee Sam, "Where'd you get the money? You steal it?" "No," Wee Sam wee bitchfaces, "Uncle Bobby gave it to me to give to him." He adds, "Said it was real special." And now that we've gotten that preliminary bit out of the way, I suppose I should note they managed to snag the same Wee Dean from "Something Wicked" for this evening's presentation, but they've had to replace Alex Ferris with this Colin Ford person, and as much as I loathe children on the TV, I've got to admit that this little kid has Sam's massive bitchface down. In any event, Wee Dean snarks something unpleasant and flops down on the vermin-infested sofa to flip through Hot Rod magazine while Wee Sam starts asking questions, and if we're supposed to know Wee Dean wants Wee Sam to be a kid just for a little while longer via the way he's answering those questions, then the wee actor playing him sucks, because Wee Dean couldn't be more of a snot-nosed, pain-in-the-ass punk here if he tried. And as this scene's not one of my favorites this evening, let's speed through it to note the nice bits of continuity they're giving us with Wee Sam's insistent questions regarding their mother, their worthless bastard of a so-called father's current whereabouts, and why they have to move around so much, because when Wee Dean finally ups and pitches a screaming hissy before stomping out of the room, I want to punch him in the neck. Left completely alone on Christmas Eve, Little Orphan Sammy deploys The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes Of My Hideously Neglectful Family Blows Both Goats And Dead Baby Seals for the audience's benefit until we...

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