Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 9 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Have To Muddle Through Somehow

Once The Thing's reached the second floor, It vanishes into the master bedroom, and a woman screams right before a heavy thumping noise seems to shut her up, and the next thing we know, The Thing From The Chimney's dragging a wriggling leatherlike and people-sized bag down the stairs. From the muffled, apparently gagged shouts emanating from the bag, it seems The Thing's retrieved the rugrat's father, by the way. And after dumping the still-writhing bag at the rugrat's feet, The Thing then evidently reaches in and -- with a meaty cracking noise, natch -- snaps the unfortunate gentleman's neck, for the muffled moaning instantly stops. Raoul would shriek in outraged dismay over the lack of blatant gore at this juncture, I'm sure, but the dear thing's already slammed back so much booze that he's now passed out in his overstuffed armchair. Lush. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" In any event, The Thing next looms over the indeterminately gendered rugrat for a very lengthy moment until It stretches a blood-stained hand...past the kid's head to snatch a cookie from Santa's plate! Hee! The Thing From The Chimney munches noisily on the treat before stooping down to drag the now ominously still Bag O' Dad into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

A muted, instrumental "Joy To The World" plays in the background as Our Intrepid Heroes arrive the next morning at last night's Craftsman to ply Distraught Mommy 2: Cannibal Boogaloo with their FBI LIES. Distraught Mommy 2's sporting an ugly shiner on her right eye, and she of course can't offer them anything of relevance regarding the previous evening's home invasion and husband abduction, so we'll skip ahead to the point where Darling Sammy awkwardly inquires about the lovely wreath "Mrs. Caldwell" has above her fireplace. El Deano and The Widow Caldwell shoot Is This Bitch For Real? side-eyes at each other. "Just...curious," Sam bluffs. Badly. Hee.

Out on the sidewalk, after Dean more or less calls Sam an enormous girl for asking about the wreath, Sam reveals that the Walshes had the exact same wreath over their own mantel. D'oh! We get a little bit of car porn before heading back to The Kinkade Suite, where Darling Sammy's just getting off the phone with Bobby. Long story short, Bobby thinks they're idiots for pursuing the Anti-Claus angle, as the wreaths were likely fashioned from meadowsweet, which is "probably the most powerful plant in pagan lore." We'll take Bobby's word for that in favor of keeping this endless recap moving. According to Sam, the pagans used meadowsweet during human sacrifices, as the herb functioned as a sort of chum for the pagan gods. "They were drawn to it," Sam ineloquently explains, "and they'd stop by and snack on whatever was the nearest human." There follows an extremely lengthy and boring explanation of Christmas's origins in pagan midwinter traditions for Dim Dean's benefit, and Sam determines they're actually in search of the quite literally man-hungry God Of The Winter Solstice, especially because sacrifices to that particular god result in mild weather in return, and Lord knows it's unusually balmy here in Ypsilanti for the end of December. Finally, while Bobby researches efficient god-slaughtering methodologies, the boys need to find out who's selling the deadly wreaths, so we're off to...

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