Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 8 USERS: A+
Every Hardy Boy Plays the Fool

Out on the street, Sam and Dean watch as the fa├žade explodes outwards, then take off down an alleyway as the smoke and the flames billow up into the night sky.

Well, that sucked. "[Sob!] It should have been Bobby!" Now, Raoul, there's no call to get testy. "Well, I am terribly sorry, I'm sure!" shrieks Raoul, not terribly sorry in the least. "But they should have taken that...that...that paralytic hairball LONG before my darling Ellen!" We've seen her once in two and a half years, Raoul. "Stop!" But, I mean, Bobby's been a much more integrated part of th... "STOP! STOP THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIM!" Feel better? "[Sniff!] A little!" Good. Now, might I continue? "If you must! [Slurp!]" Okay. "[Honk!]"

Over at William Jasper's farm, Our Intrepid Heroes tippy-toe through the underbrush at the edge of a clearing, within which stands a demonically enhanced assemblage of Carthage's male residents surrounding Lucifer himself, who's busily shoveling dirt into a very large hole. Sam and Dean find they have no bravado-laced last words to share with each other, and with that, they split up so Sam might stride through the demonically enhanced with his sawed-off shotgun at the ready to challenge Lucifer to a fight. As thunder rumbles overhead, Lucifer pauses at his task long enough to assure Sam that the latter won't be needing that weapon of his. "You know I'd never hurt you," Lucifer smiles. "Not really." The Fucking Colt's barrel enters the tight frame around Lucifer's head from the right-hand side of the screen, and we hear Dean growl, "Yeah?" The camera pulls a quick angle on Dean's furious face as he simmers, "Well, I'd hurt you, so suck it!" BAM! "VIOLENCE!" shrieks Raoul, temporarily casting off his mourning to writhe about atop his overstuffed armchair with glee. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT SATAN-SHOOTING VIOLENCE AND [HONK!]" Whoops. Guess he's still not over The Harvelle Girls' untimely demise after all. "[Sniffle!] [Slurp!]" Lucifer's head snaps back upon the bullet's impact, and the fiend drops to the dirt with a lurid, smoking wound splintering his skull. The demonically enhanced assemblage stares impassively at its fallen leader while Sam and Dean pant at each other in the cool night air until...Lucifer gasps himself back to life! Or, you know, a reasonable facsimile thereof. DUN! "Ow!" Lucifer squeals, rising with some effort from the mud. After taking a moment to backhand Dashing El Deano into a tree, he allows the lurid and still-smoking wound a moment to heal before returning his attention to Sam. "Now, where were we?" Lucifer's already broad grin continues to stretch across his face until it smacks itself up against the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Jasper's Farm. Aftermath. "Don't feel too bad, Sam," Lucifer smirks. "There's only five things in all of Creation that [The Fucking Colt] can't kill, and I just happen to be one of them." Jared Padalecki looks like he's already pissed his pants, and is now preparing to crap in them, too. Lucifer goes back to his shoveling and, with his enemy's attention thus diverted, Sam takes the opportunity to scamper over to his still-unconscious brother's side, presumably so he might have a nice, comfortable place to sit for the endless speechifying that follows. Yes, Lucifer's feeling chatty, and so we all must suffer for it. Damn you, Kripke! Long story short, Lucifer predicts Sam will finally acquiesce to his demands in six months' time -- which just so happens to coincide with the May sweeps period, go figure -- and that said surrender will occur in Detroit. So, you know. Mark your calendars. By the way, that massive hole he's filling in? Contains the corpse of every single woman and child resident in Carthage, Missouri, as of a couple of days ago, so Lucifer is standing atop approximately 9,000 dead people, and that's the "awful carnage" he needed to release The Angel Of Death, Bobby. "I told you it should have been him!" Yes, you did, Raoul. Now have another cocktail and let me finish with this episode before it drives us both insane, okay? "Okay! [Slurp!]" There follows some tedious discussion regarding familial betrayal and whatnot, but as we've all heard that particular whine at least three thousand times before on this show, let's skip over it in favor of getting to Lucifer's goddamned Death-summoning ritual already, shall we? "We shall! [Slurp!]" Oh, Raoul. What would I do without you? "Crash and burn?! Hee! See what I did there!?" Yes, Raoul, and it was very nice, despite the fact that I believe you've done it several times before, but that's not important at the moment because what is important at the moment is this: Lucifer returns to his place atop the slaughtered women and children of Carthage, stretches out his palms, and Latinates for a moment before turning to address the demonically enhanced assemblage like so: "Repeat after me: We offer up our lives, blood, and souls to complete this tribute." The demonically enhanced assemblage -- a bit zombie-like, if we're being perfectly honest about it -- complies, and the instant each individual member of the demonically enhanced assemblage completes the incantation, his brain explodes. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Inside his head. "Oh!" So that all we get to see is a brief burst of light. "Rats!" Sam gapes in horror. Noting his Vessel's expression, Lucifer frowns and shrugs, "What? They're just demons." Hey! That's what I've always said! I knew there was a reason I liked this guy.

Meanwhile, down in that decrepit hotel cellar, My Sweet Baboo surreptitiously unscrews an overhead sewage pipe while Meg continues with the taunting. "We're gonna win!" she beams in the light from the still-blazing Jerusalem Oil. "You cloud-hopping pansies lost the whole damn Universe, and Lucifer's gonna take over Heaven -- we're goin' to Heaven, Clarence!" Because no one calls My Sweet Baboo a cloud-hopping pansy and gets away with it -- especially not some Scientological bimbo heretofore best-known for that asstastic Blue Dahlia movie starring Josh Harnett -- Castiel finishes unscrewing that overhead sewage pipe, sending the thing slamming into Meg, thereby propelling her smug, smarmy ass into the circle with him. And when Castiel attempts an impromptu exorcism, only to find his petty, vindictive superiors have deprived him of that ability? He throws Meg face-first across the flames and stomps on out of there across her back like she's some sort of Hell-sent meat carpet! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I'm happy we can both still find enjoyment from this show, my scaly friend, despite the late Harvelle-related unpleasantness. "[Slurp!] Me too!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Castiel materializes at the edge of the clearing and absconds with Our Intrepid Heroes just as the ground beneath the slaughtered innocents of Carthage threatens to erupt. None of this escapes Lucifer's attention, of course, but he graciously allows them to flee, and even gifts them with a friendly parting smile on his face. And in the end, The Angel Of Death finally rises -- just out of the audience's line of vision, of course -- and expands itself all the way out into the final METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Bobby's Emporium. Denouement. A newscaster on the television set announces that the governor's declared tornado-plagued "Paulding County" a disaster area, particularly the town of Carthage, where state officials expect the loss of life to be "staggering." Yeah, wake me up when those state officials try to explain how a tornado dumped all 14,000 residents into a mass grave, anchor lady. Aside from that, though, I mention her lines because the actual "Battle Of Hell Hole" did take place in Paulding County, Georgia, and I'm wondering why they so pointedly switched tonight's action from, say, Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next





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