Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: A+ | 8 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
The Hardy Boys, Triumphant!

Graveyard. Aftermath. As a few demonic stragglers emerge from the now-gaping crypt, Dean bellows, "What the hell just happened?" Ellen shouts back that Jake just opened "a damned door to Hell."

Meanwhile, one of The Ceiling Demon's cloudy minions tears across the ground somewhere nearby, ripping a section of The Fucking Colt-Built Rail Lines apart. Our Yellow-Eyed Acquaintance calmly and deliberately steps through the fresh gap.

Back in the graveyard, Ellen, Bobby, and Zombie Sam race to shut the crypt's doors, but Dean hangs back long enough to check The Fucking Colt's cylinder for The Last Magical Bullet That Can Kill Anything Except When It Can't, and just as he's confirmed The Last Magical Bullet's presence in the chamber, The Ceiling Demon himself materializes behind Our Intrepid Hero to snap The Fucking Colt out of Dean's hand with a quick flash of telekinetic energy. "Boys shouldn't play with Daddy's guns!" The Demon grins, right before hurling some more of that telekinetic mojo directly into Dean's torso. Dean hurtles through the air a good fifteen yards before his thick skull connects with one of the headstones, and Dean crashes the rest of the way to the ground semi-conscious. Over at the crypt, The Ginormous Revenant seems to be having undue amounts of trouble slamming shut the gates. "It's the creeping rot!" Raoul excitedly exclaims. "His overdeveloped musculature is disintegrating as we speak! Wheeeee!" I was just going to guess that shutting The Gates Of Hell was a little more difficult than closing a bank vault, but I think I like your explanation more. In any event, after much manly struggling, Zombie Sam spots The Ceiling Demon menacing his brother, and with a mighty roar, he...completely abandons the fabulous Ellen Harvelle to all the imps of Hell? Yep, pretty much. Oh, Sam. "Quite ungallant of the dear boy, I must say!" Raoul notes before giggling and clapping his paws together with delight. "Perhaps the creeping rot has reached his brain!" Again, I was simply going suggest his unhealthily overdeveloped sense of fraternal duty is to blame, but your explanation is far superior, my scaly friend. "Thanks!"

In either case, it matters not, for The Ceiling Demon's already telekinetically pinned The Ginormous Revenant against a tree, so a fat lot of good Sam accomplished by abandoning poor Ellen like that. Over amongst the graves, The Ceiling Demon next takes to taunting El Deano, and I'm pretty certain some of these taunts are not the sorts of LIES one would expect from him, but I'm also not in the mood to transcribe his entire speech, fantastically delivered though that speech may be by Frederic Lane, who apparently has never met a polystyrene horror movie cemetery set he didn't promptly devour, lustily and with relish. Long story short, The Demon hints both that he personally gave permission for Dean's trade with the Crossroads Demonette earlier in the evening and that he did so to ensure Darling Sammy didn't return from the great beyond "100% pure," for various of his own future nefarious purposes. "You of all people," he croons, all up in Dean's bloodied face, "should know that what's dead should stay dead." "Anyway," he continues, breezily enough, "thanks a bunch! I knew I kept you alive for some reason." "Until now, anyway," he amends, before grandly orating -- in near iambic pentameter, no less -- "I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family!" And just as he's about to unload The Fucking Colt's final round into Dean's head, an oddly opaque figure from the crypt stalks up behind him and...shut UP, Daddy! For once in this worthless bastard's miserable existence, he listens to me, for the spectral form of John Winchester speaks not a word as it materializes to wrestle The Ceiling Demon from the body it had lately been inhabiting, and oh, my holy Christ, this is just bad. They've got poor Jeffrey Dean Morgan tussling with a CGI cloud of bitterly black demonic goo, and it looks exactly as awful as that description would have you believe. I am deeply embarrassed for everyone involved, so let's skip through all of this to hit the main points:

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Supernatural

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