…And Then There Were None

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: A
Ten Little Hardy Boys

And so, late that evening, Rufus and Bobby hook up with Our Intrepid Heroes outside Starlight where, after a few jocular greetings have been exchanged, the four break into the place to perform a little flashlight-fu. Tough-Guy Jazz-Hands abound as the quartet tiptoes past various industrial-sized sinks that are positively encrusted with toxic Lake Erie sludge until they reach the elevator to the second floor, whereupon another round of Tough-Guy Jazz-Hands and flashlight-fu ensues once they rise to the cannery's upper level until they stumble upon...Girl Campbell, who'd been performing a little flashlight-fu of her own! DUN! Well, okay, not really, but this episode is already so hideously dull, I felt the need to inject a little excitement of my own. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" A little excitement that obviously has had absolutely no effect on dear Raoul's Coma Of Boredom. Sigh.

Anyway, wherever Girl Campbell goes, Zombie Grandpa is sure to follow, so the revenant in question of course soon rounds a corner to find himself staring straight into the faces of the grandchildren he'd left for dead way back before the holiday-season hiatus. D'OH! Dreary El Deano, grimly determined to keep that promise he made the last time the two saw each other, stomps past Girl Campbell with his trusty pearl-handled automatic at the ready, and he immediately presses the barrel of the thing against Zombie Grandpa's shiny forehead until Darling Sammy races over to knock Dean's hand off to one side. "I take it you know each other?" Rufus wryly enunciates. The relevant explanations are offered and some exceedingly tense introductions are made, by which I mean everyone yells at each other for a couple of minutes until Bobby orders Sam to hustle Dean the hell out of there, pronto. Sam complies, and we're treated to a bit more yelling from the boys once they've retreated to a nearby corridor, and the gist of the heated argument that follows is this: Dreary El Deano wants to blow a couple of new holes through Zombie Grandpa's spear-bald head because of all that pre-hiatus unpleasantness over at Crowley's asylum, but Darling Sammy counsels patience, as Zombie Grandpa might yet come up with a good explanation for his earlier actions.

Thus so thwarted, Dean flounces off in a snit, leaving Sam to rejoin the others for an endless round nattering that's kicked off when Bobby gets all up in Zombie Grandpa's grille to excoriate the hairless wonder for his shabby treatment of the boys, and it's all so utterly pointless -- even the bit wherein Zombie Grandpa realizes that Darling Sammy has been reensoulled -- that it's quite a relief when Rufus steps forward, flask in hand, to interrupt, "I really hate to break up this little circle of love, but why don't we talk shop, huh? How 'bout you tell us what it is you're hunting?" And after a regal pause, Zombie Grandpa does just that, perching on the edge of a table to regale the others with his tale of Eve, a creature from Purgatory who last roamed about topside "about ten thousand years ago," during which time she gave birth to "every freak that walks the face of the earth." "How the hell do you know all that?" Bobby rightfully challenges him. "You don't know half the things I do, kid," Zombie Grandpa shoots back in an answer that so totally isn't. "Hell," Zombie Grandpa dismissively continues, "until recently, you didn't even know about us." At this, he nods to one side to acknowledge Girl Campbell's continued presence in this scene. "I now know that you'd throw your own kin to hungry ghouls," Bobby retorts, "so I think I know enough." Gormless Girl Campbell's all, "Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" but Zombie Grandpa shuts down her articulate line of inquiry with a quickness by snarling, "Dean lied to the man!" "How 'bout you ask Dean?" Bobby slyly suggests, so Girl Campbell tromps off to do just that, leaving Sam, Bobby, Rufus, and Zombie Grandpa to glower at each other in silence.

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