Supernatural

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Drunken Bee: C+ | 2 USERS: A-
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The Hardy Boys Are Not the Boss of Each Other

Roosevelt Asylum, Rockford, Illinois. Nighttime, creepy strings droning, footsteps falling, a camera proceeds through abandoned hallways shot through with rays of cool light. A flashlight illuminates piles of empty beer bottles, graffiti'd walls, and a shitload of papers strewn about the ground. Oooh, papers. Scary! A figure approaches a door chained shut, cuts through the heavy chains, and we see two pairs of legs as two people walk through the doors. Outside, two police officers get out of their patrol car and exposit. Officer Nice: "Can't keep kids out of this place." Officer Crazy: "What is it anyway?" Officer Nice: "I forgot you're not local. You don't know the legend. Every town's got a story, right? Ours is Roosevelt Asylum." Personally, I thought one of the premier stories to come out of Rockford is how one night a bunch of my friends and I stayed overnight there on our way to Wisconsin and ended up singing karaoke at this bar called Cheers of Rockford and my husband's rendition of "Welcome to the Jungle" got a crowd of ladies (each in an advanced stage of tooth decay) dancing on the bar and then all of us city slickers got bullied into standing up and singing along to "I'm Proud to Be An American." But, haunted asylum, I guess that'll work as local legend as well.

The officers enter the asylum and notice the doors that were previously chained shut. Officer Nice exclaims, "You tell me these kids brought bolt cutters?" and then suggests, "Come on, we'll split up." Dun dun dun. Officer Crazy walks slowly through a door labeled "Boiler Room" that apparently leads to another hallway. Meanwhile, we spend some time looking deeply into Officer Nice's eyes as he slowly shines his flashlight this way and that. Cut back to Office Crazy slowly walking through another door, and then back to Officer Nice slowly walking some more. Riveting! Officer Nice has come upon the offending kids and he tells them to come on out. Cut back to Officer Crazy walking slowly some more. His flashlight goes out, and then we cut to a monster's-eye view as something peers at him through a creakily opening door.

The parking lot. A very fancy yellow sports car pulls out of the lot. Bolt cutters AND sports cars? What is the world coming to? Officer Nice tries to reach Officer Crazy on his shoulder-mounted two-way radio. And, really, how COOL are those shoulder-mounted walkie-talkies? Fuck Manolos, I'm going government issue. Officer Nice doesn't get a response from Officer Crazy-- HE'S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!! Officer Crazy does this weird look down/look up thing when Officer Nice asks him if he saw anything, and says, "Huh. No." They drive away as Officer Crazy crazy-eyes all over the place, turns his head away from Officer Nice, and wipes away some blood trickling from his nose.

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Supernatural

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