Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 1 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Wet The Bed

Fifer Pig screams and screams and screams until -- wait for it -- SPLAT! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, who writhes about with delight upon his overstuffed armchair as a tremendous gout of arterial spray thwacks against the side of the Baycon Brothers' company pick-up. Practical Pig immediately freaks and hustles his tubby frame past the rickety wooden worktable to dive behind a stacked pile of cinderblocks. Fiddler Pig, meanwhile, tarries a bit too long by the tacked-together lumber, and for his trouble -- wait for it -- SPLAT! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Raoul shrieks, flailing himself into a tizzy of joy over the fact that we've gotten so much of it so early in the episode. And as Fiddler Pig's disemboweled guts fan out across the blueprints, Practical Pig cowers and shudders in his hiding place until the snarling racket of fraternal evisceration dies down on the soundtrack. He crawls on all fours to the edge of the cinderblock pile and barely has time to take in the rapidly cooling corpse of his younger brother before the still-unseen Big Bad Wolf leaps upon him from behind, and Practical Pig goes "Wee-wee-wee!" all the way into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" shrieks Raoul, now admittedly more out of habit than anything else. "I can't help it! I'm positively Pavlovian at this point! Go ahead! Try it again!" Uh. "Do it!" Okay! RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee! Again!" RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee! See?! One more time!" RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" I think Raoul's lost his mind.

Once the title card vanishes, the camera pushes through the blackness that follows to focus in on a small length of photogenically damp blacktop, and pans along until it lands upon an immensely obese bullfrog parked in the middle of the road. The Frog Prince belches ominously a couple of times until chased from his spot by the Impala, just now arriving in Maple Springs from points unknown. Inside the car, Our Intrepid Heroes are fighting with each other again, once more over Dashing El Deano's ongoing Crossroads Demonette issue. Darling Sammy, you see, wants to summon the saucy demonette in question, pull The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Can't on her, and force her to absolve Dean of his side of the bargain. "We don't know if that'll work!" Dean snaps. Loudly. "Then we'll just shoot her!" Sam hollers back. "If she dies, the deal goes away!" "We don't know if that'll work, either!" Dean screams, and as all of this shouting can stop right now, let's skip ahead to the bit where they discuss the relevant details of the monster at hand, shall we? "The psychotic killer," as Sam reads from an article in the local paper covering the Baycon Brothers' untimely deaths, "rips victims apart with brutelike ferocity." "Quite right!" Raoul shrieks in agreement. "There simply isn't any other way to get the job done properly!" "Though of course," he notes, pointedly eyeing his perfectly honed claws, "it can have positively beastly effects upon one's manicure!" If you're speaking from experience, my scaly friend, I do not want to know about it. In any event, because "the lunar cycle's right," Our Dear Boys believe they've got another motherfucking werewolf on their hands, and the next thing we know...

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