Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 3 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Wet The Bed

A short time later, Hansel's just getting done wolfing down what's probably his third piece of pie at the kitchen table. Gretel, who apparently only picked at her dessert, offers him an uneasy smile that's clearly screaming, "Okay, hog, can we get the hell away from this creepy old lady already?" but Hansel foolishly chooses to ignore her, instead focusing on Secretly Wicked Granny, who brightly asks, "You sure you don't want more?" Hansel at first smilingly answers in the negative, but then grimaces, almost as if he's about to boot. Gretel picks up on this instantly and latches upon the opportunity to leave, hastily offering Secretly Wicked Granny her apologies and thanks as she makes to rise from her seat. Hansel, who woozily got to his feet during all of that, suddenly doubles over, clutching at his stomach before crashing to the floor in front of the sofa. Gretel lunges towards his side but is almost immediately stricken herself. "What's going on?" she demands as she slowly descends to the floor. Gretel's vision doubles, then trebles as she pants, "Did you drug us?" Openly Evil Granny never once allows her pleasant smile to drop from her face as she carefully pushes herself up from the table and crosses to the sink to fetch a monster of a carving knife from the drainer. As Hansel and Gretel gasp in pain, Openly Evil Granny delicately tests the blade's sharpness with her finger, then just as delicately picks her way across the floor towards her increasingly frantic guests as Gretel moans, "Stop! Please, you have to stop!" Psycho Granny ignores the plea entirely, but does speak for the first time since everything went south as she leans down close to Hansel's face to coo, "Don't worry! Everything's fine!" "You just hold still, now, dear!" she practically sings as Hansel blinks dumbly up at her and Gretel grimaces in horror and pain and the strings saw away tensely on the soundtrack and... "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Psycho Granny swings the knife up into the air over her shoulder, and with one quick, slicing stroke, she's opened Hansel's carotid. A thick spray of blood paints Gretel's screaming face while Hansel makes grisly choking noises off-camera. And again, the smile never once drops from Stabby Granny's face as she repeatedly hoists the increasingly gore-bedecked blade above her head and jams it over and over and over again into Hansel's guts.

Just then, even as the sounds of the screaming and the stabbing continue on the soundtrack, the camera cuts over to the gingerbread cottage's front window, and any glee Raoul was finding in this scene snuffs out immediately as that camera lands upon a preternaturally delighted preadolescent girl in a white party dress with a red sash around her waist. "EVIL!" Raoul roars, cowering in terror in the depths of his overstuffed armchair. Gretel's piteous cries continue as we get a good look at the heinous moppet's face, and she's Snow White, right down to the red ribbon in her ebony hair. As Snow White smiles to herself over the gruesome scene now unfolding on our side of the windowpane, Gretel's unending howls echo into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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