Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 3 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Wet The Bed

Meanwhile, Our Intrepid Hero and that stupid little midget prick of a brother of his I've yet to forgive have arrived at Callie's room -- for yes, the good Doctor Garrison was indeed reading aloud to his comatose daughter -- where they discover she's actually about twenty-five years old. "With fabulously glossy hair and a perfect make-up job!" Raoul hastens to add now that he's recovered from his recent bout of granny-abuse-related paralysis. "That was horrific!" Yes, yes it was, but shall we get back to the scene at hand? "Absolutely! I don't care to linger!" Long story short, Our Intrepid Hero and his stupid little fucking midget prick of a brother learn that Callie Garrison's been in a coma ever since she swallowed bleach when she was eight years old. They also discover that Callie was initially found in her present comatose state by her stepmother, who passed away only last year, leaving the good doctor bereft as Callie's now the only family he has left. And you can see where they're going with this, right? I don't have to hold your hand and lead you through it? Because The Stupid Little Fucking Midget Prick's still pissing me off, so let's get to the point: Our Intrepid Hero issues an armchair diagnosis of Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy for Callie's wicked stepmother, and he eventually realizes the eight-year-old apparition must be Comatose Callie's spirit screaming out for justice, or something. Just go with it, because the paramedics are now wheeling in Grandmother, who's "sustained multiple lacerations and puncture wounds" including a bloody bite on her throat, and we've lost Raoul again. "[Meep!]" As the poor woman flatlines and the attending nurses draw a sheet over hear mauled face, Our Intrepid Hero approaches the EMT who brought her in, and learns Grandmother "was found by the side of the road, barely alive, alone." When prompted, the EMT notes that Grandmother's only next of kin is a granddaughter.

A granddaughter in a little red hoodie who's just now getting out of school, as a matter of fact. Little Red Hoodie spots her grandmother's SUV and trots over to crawl into the back seat. It's only after she's settled herself that she calls out a greeting, and The Big Bad Wolf whips around in the front seat to leer at her as he slams a hand down on the minivan's autolock, trapping Little Red Hoodie right before he yanks the gearshift into Drive and tears off directly into the METAL TEETH CHOMP! DUN!

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