So, anyway, where were we? Oh, yes: Stupid, doomed Patrick goes traipsing into those plants, and after yowling at him from the clearing for several lengthy minutes, his never-named paramour chases after him. We're then treated to several more lengthy minutes of the two pushing their respective ways through the corn until stupid, doomed Patrick reaches yet another clearing, at which point a brilliant white light opens up above him, and by the time the never-named paramour reaches the same new clearing, Patrick's disappeared, leaving not so much as a blood-encrusted boot behind. "Rats!" Your disappointment is mine, my occasionally faithful recapping companion. "As well it should be, I must...! Wait a minute! And just what do you mean by this 'occasionally,' hmmm!?" I mean if you conveniently "lapse" into another "coma" tonight, I'm going to wring that scrawny little reptilian neck of yours. "Well! I never! In all my years, rarely has my honor been so heartlessly besmirched! Why, I've half a mind to...!" And while Raoul rants away over there atop his overstuffed armchair, let's return to Elwood, where No Name and her low-riding skinny jeans wander about screaming, "Patrick! Patrick!" for a very long time until the camera cranes far above her bleach-blonde head to reveal she's standing in but one section of an absolutely massive crop circle. DUN!
And then we're flung into a revised credits sequence that's stolen its look and feel from The X-Files, which I'm sure I'd find terribly amusing had I actually watched The X-Files when it originally aired nearly twenty years ago. Alas, I actually had a life back in 1993, and so was never at home on Friday nights to catch that series. Pity. By the way, they're relying heavily on the abduction-related clips from "Tall Tales" to populate the sequence for what I'm guessing are obvious reasons, though other shots from episodes as varied as "The End," "Free To Be You And Me," "The Third Man," "No Exit," "Changing Channels," and "Jump The Shark" are also deployed as padding. They've also seen fit to include Misha Collins even though he doesn't appear anywhere else in tonight's presentation, so I'm inclined to hate this revised credits sequence simply because it is a LYING LIAR WHO LIES. And then it all ends with a nighttime Impala roaring towards the camera, overlaid with the following paraphrase of The X-Files' familiar tagline: "THE TRUTH IS IN THERE." What the hell does that even mean? Does the truth lurk somewhere within Metallicar? Why would the truth be lurking somewhere within Metallicar? What the hell does Metallicar have to do with alien abductions and fairies and bum fights and midgets? Huh? HUH? "Demian!" WHAT? "Do hurry this along, as I've holiday-weekend planning to attend to myself!" Oh, God -- you're not making your special stuffing again this year, are you? "I am!" Oh! Okay. Well, I know how long it takes you to peel and debone your secret ingredient, so, uh, your wish is my command, I guess? "Hooray!" At least you're not pouting anymore, I suppose. "CHOP-CHOP!" Okay! Okay. Jeez. "Tee!"