Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 1 USERS: B-
The Hardy Boys Don't Want No Mean Mistreaters

Long story short, The Little Queen Of Boobs confirms that Boring Evan's contract has been cancelled, for good. "You got what you wanted," she snits, "now let me go." Dean takes a step back to carry on with the latinating. "You know," she warns, "you renege, send me to Hell? Sooner or later, I'm gonna climb out, and skinning [Boring, Bonaduce-Like] Evan Hudson will be the first thing that I do." There's a shot here of the wooden cross dangling from the end of Dean's rosary, by the way. Just pointing that out. And noting, I suppose, that this shot would have been more effective had the cross been silver. Yes, there is such a thing as being too subtle, you know. And I must have lost my goddamned mind. When's the last time you ever heard someone complain that a show on this network was being too subtle? Dean deliberately closes Daddy Shut Up's demonic day-planner and, hoisting himself onto one of the water tower's supports, reaches up to yank down a board, breaking the trap's pattern and freeing The Little Queen Of Boobs. Alas for poor Dean, she can't just walk away without taunting him a little but more, painting as ugly a picture of Daddy Shut Up's current sojourn in Hell as she possibly can. The instant Dean snatches at her to shove her back into the trap, however, The Little Queen Of Boobs throws her head back and roars, expelling a geyser of foul blackness that congeals into a cloud to hover above the scene for a moment before it sweeps away on the night breeze. The addled maiden formerly known as The Little Queen Of Boobs, suddenly afraid and thoroughly disoriented, drops to the gravel, where she bleats, "How did I get here? And why are my tits hanging halfway out of my dress?" Dean gulps and pants his way into the final METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Metallicar grumbles onto the screen as a cover of Big Bill Broonzy's "Key To The Highway" plays on the radio within, AND I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE GODDAMNED ANGST ANYMORE. Good thing I have this excellent song to listen to instead of Our Intrepid Heroes' dreary dialogue regarding Daddy Shut Up's legacy. Sam ends it all by asking Dean a question regarding the latter's true motives with The Little Queen Of Boobs that Dean wishes not to answer, so Dean abruptly flicks the radio over to some faux mullet rock, and Metallicar growls off down the road into...

...Crackle, Crackle SOON! "This is novel," Raoul remarks with surprise. Yes, Raoul, it is. Novel and ten completely different kinds of spectacular. Apparently disenchanted with The CW's meager efforts at promoting upcoming installments (and no, I don't know that for a fact, so don't send e-mails demanding my source), The Kripkeeper's concocted this minute-long sequence of highlights from the next two episodes set to Nazareth's "Hair Of The Dog" (which: Funny!), and if "Croatoan" is half as good as this mini-music video makes it seem, what with Dean blowing away infected zombie people and snipers taking aim at Our Intrepid Heroes' heads and Action Sammy crashing through windows and gun battles and Metallicar spinning donuts and oh, my awesome! It just keeps getting better, with maidens protesting innocence while staring down the barrels of rifles and Action Sammy getting infected with zombie viruses and bloodstained Acuras abandoned at the side of the road and more of The Ceiling Demon's special mommy-free children and research! And explosions! And Daddy Shut Up's Annoying Secret! Revealed! Finally! And did I start out with a point I was trying to make? Who cares?! This episode is going to kick ass. See you in two weeks.

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