Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 6 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Oh, Hardy Boys, Do You Know What That's Worth?

Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: The Stumpy Little Pissy-Pantsed Bitch not getting over pointless, stupid shit The Stumpy Little Pissy-Pantsed Bitch should have gotten over long ago -- if not midway through the first season when he was still in his mid-twenties, then certainly during the FORTY GODDAMNED YEARS HE SPENT TORTURING SOULS IN HELL. Really, Dean? Sam leaving for Stanford was the worst night of your life? Really? CRAM IT, DICKSMACK.

Okay, I've got to calm down.

There. It passed. Sort of. ANY-way, Dean keeps screaming at Sam for, you know, trying to have a life of his own, for Christ's sake, when suddenly, the searing white Zachariah light opens up over their heads. Way to blow your cover, Dean. Our Dead Heroes immediately plunge headlong into the surrounding apple orchard, eventually finding cover behind a very large log, and now they're both idiots, because seriously: A log, guys? You think hiding behind a log -- in Heaven -- is going to stop Zachariah from finding you? God, I hate this show sometimes. Of course, while they lie there panting, Zachariah coolly ambles over to say pretty much the same thing. "Wow," he begins, with delicious amounts of the snide in his tone. "Running from angels. On foot. In Heaven! With out-of-the-box thinking like that, I'm surprised you boys haven't stopped The Apocalypse already!" HA! Zachariah snaps his fingers, instantly flooding the wooded area with sunlight, and he continues to taunt at them, promising to "tear [them] a cosmos of new ones" before sending them back down to Earth and such, until Our Dead Idiots try to run for it, again. Of course, no matter the direction they flee, Zachariah's always there to greet them, until they dart around some random tree to find...a masked luchador waiting for them on the other side? Okay, we'll go with that. For now. The luchador orders Our Dead Idiots to follow him, and he hustles over to a rusting, corrugated shed, where he scribbles some sigil in chalk on the door before leading Sam and Dean inside where they find...

...Harvelle's? You mean they held on to this set for the last three years? Maybe The Kripkeeper really did have a five-year plan in mind after all. Kidding! I'm kidding again! Everyone knows The Kripkeeper's been pulling this out of his ass since the end of the second season. In any event, the luchador prances into the middle of the barroom before removing his mask and cape, and it's Ash, and as I never particularly needed to see this character again, I'm sure we'll be skimming over this next section. After the CHOMP!-less commercial break, of course.

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Supernatural

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