It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a zombie shot out! And with that, we hurtle into this week's primary adventure, which involves various recently deceased citizens of Sioux Falls rising unexpectedly from graves both untimely and long anticipated to lurch and stagger through the otherwise tidy little streets of their wee tiny village nestled deep within the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota to... well, pick up quite boringly right where they left off, as it turns out. Oh, sure, the initial zombie -- a thirtysomething soccer dad named Clay James Thompson -- actually takes the time to slaughter the lowlife piece of trailer trash who "accidentally" shot him in the back on a hunting trip five years ago, but aside from that bit of easily justified unpleasantness, the three dozen or so remarkably photogenic revenants simply head back to their respective homes, shower off the thin layer of grime they acquired while clawing themselves out of their coffins, and happily settle back into their daily routines.
Naturally, Our Intrepid Heroes have Capital-I Issues with all of this, and they motor on over to Bobby's nearby Emporium to enlist the grizzled geezer's crippled aid in ridding his town of the freshly undead, but -- naturally -- there's a problem: Bobby's violently dismembered wife, Karen, is one of the risen, and Bobby's none too eager to send her screaming back to Hell. Or, you know, wherever the hell these people were being stored since they died. And, in all fairness, once the boys have had a chance to meet Zombie Karen, they can sort of understand Bobby's position, as Zombie Karen is sweet-natured and sharp-witted and quick with a smile, even if her complexion's more than a little cadaverous and dingy. Plus, Zombie Karen makes them all pie, which greatly pleases Dashing El Deano. Unfortunately, Zombie Karen is also apparently doomed to lurch through her unnatural afterlife in her old poly double-knit waitress uniform, which greatly displeases Raoul. "TACKY!!!"
In any event, after all the initial joy and such, the zombies' mental faculties gradually deteriorate as we all knew they must, and within days of their miraculous resurrections, they're tackling their friends and family to the ground to rip out their intestines with their bare teeth. Fortunately, Super-Smart Sammy quickly realizes that nothing more complicated than a head shot can take out this type of Supernatural zombie, and the episode quickly deteriorates into a turkey shoot -- as we all knew it must -- complete with exploding skulls and bits of brain splattering against the camera lens until every last Sioux Falls zombie is dead. Again.
But what was it all for, I hear you ask? Simple: Death finally realized he'd blown more than enough time laying waste to various unimportant Midwestern states since Lucifer summoned him topside back before Thanksgiving, and he decided to set his sights upon Bobby, hoping to remove one of the last two remaining human supports Darling Sammy has left in the latter's ongoing struggle against his boss. And why, you cry, would Death try to off Bobby in so complicated a fashion when he could just swing that scythe of his around and lop off the grizzled geezer's head? Beats the shit out of me --- why don't you ask him?
Rattle, Rattle THEN! I'm not sure if you all remember this or not, but just in case you don't, you should probably be aware that The Apocalypse began in the season premiere. Since then, Lucifer has unleashed three of The Four Horsemen upon the face of the world, though over the last several episodes, we've become acquainted only with War and Famine -- the latter of whom introduced himself via a diner slaughter so gruesome that Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon has been able to speak of little else since, despite the fact that that particular episode aired a grueling month and a half ago. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ugh. In other news, Bobby Singer killed Mrs. Bobby a very long time ago, and Demented El Deano dejectedly admitted to himself that he doesn't know how he gets up in the morning anymore before Despairing El Deano begged the heavens for help. Are we all caught up now? "We are!" Excellent, because the...
...Rattle, Rattle NOW!'s rather insistently advancing towards the front of the television screen at the moment, and I feel it would be rude of us to ignore its typically subtle entrance. "Hi, NOW!!" shrieks Raoul, waving madly at the bloody thing with one perfectly manicured paw, and Raoul? "Yes?!" It can't hear you. "Hee!" I swear to God, Raoul, one of these days...oh, never mind.
Ahem. Somewhere remote, I'm sure, a violent midnight thunderstorm erupts overhead as the rarely seen VerminCam scurries through piles of cemetery leaf debris for a bit before rearing back on its haunches to examine the headstone of one "CLAY JAMES THOMPSON," a "FATHER, COACH, [AND] FRIEND" who apparently dropped dead on October 15, 2004, at the age of 42. Barely have we had a chance, however, to absorb all of that information when CLAY JAMES THOMPSON's mud-streaked zombie hand punches through the sod covering what should have been his final resting place, and I have to say this right now: This little stunt was far more awesome the first time they sprang it on us. In any event, CLAY JAMES THOMPSON's mud-streaked zombie head presently follows his mud-streaked zombie hand from the grave, and while my initial impulse is to hoot and holler about the glorious return of the hideous undead on this show, CLAY JAMES THOMPSON's looking suspiciously well preserved for someone who's supposedly been a-moldering in the ground these last five and a half years, so I'll be holding off on the enthusiasm and such until I've a better idea what's going on with this grimy should-be corpse, which I believe I'll be receiving right about...