Death's Door

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 5 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Cough Up The Hairball

...the candlelit garret, where they find the shapely shapeshifter currently masquerading as Bobby's wife considerably worse for the wear. You see, this particular memory of Bobby's involves the last, horrible fight they had with each other three days before Bobby was forced to gut her like a fish after Mrs. Bobby found herself demonically enhanced. I won't belabor the details of the argument because -- as I believe I've noted several times before -- I don't give a rat's flaming ass about Bobby's tragic backstory, but it apparently revolves around Mrs. Bobby's desire for children battering up against Bullet-Brained Bobby's deep-seated resolve never to reproduce, ever, and The Purported Mrs. Bobby ends it all by shrieking, "Just stay away from me! You broke my heart, Bobby! You happy? Just go away!" You'll have to pardon me for a moment...hang on a second...just checking, and...nope! Still not caring. And as The Purported Mrs. Bobby dissolves into tears, Rufus quietly suggests, "Try the door. Now." Bobby takes one last, regretful look at the shapely shapeshifter currently masquerading as his long-dead wife, thanks Rufus for accompanying him thus far on his journey, and steps into the brilliant white light of this evening's first CHOMP!-less commercial break.

D'OH! During the commercial break, Bullet-Brained Bobby ended up not in the real world, but rather in some leafy, autumnal playground somewhere, and he and the still-present Rufus watch as an earlier version of himself shares a tender moment with an extremely Wee Dean. Apparently, Extremely Wee Dean's worthless bastard of a so-called father had entrusted Extremely Wee Dean to Past Bobby's care with the expectation that Past Bobby would take Extremely Wee Dean target shooting. Past Bobby, however, decided it would be far better for Extremely Wee Dean's mental health if he took the kid to play baseball in the park for an afternoon, instead, and so Rufus gets to crack wise about Bullet-Brained Bobby's obvious maternal instincts for a bit until Bullet-Brained Bobby decides they need to find another door, and fast. They spot a neat-looking utility shed on the far end of the lawn, and as they wander on over towards it, Rufus wonders aloud why Bobby never had any children of his own. And do I need to transcribe the exact answer, or can you figure it out by yourselves thanks to that earlier promise of Daddy Issues later in the episode? Oh, fine, here it is: "Dad was a mean drunk," Bobby gruffly replies. "I figured I'd be just like him, and hey! Look! I was right! No sense passing on the legacy." Bullet-Brained Bobby grumpily adds that Rufus should just get off his goddamned ass about it all, already, which leads Rufus to protest justly like so: "I'm trying to help you here, okay? You want to get out of here, or you want to die?" "I'm trying!" Bobby howls, and with that, he flings open the shed's doors to find himself flung back to...

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