Defending Your Life

Episode Report Card
admin: F | 2 USERS: D
Let the Hardy Boys Be Relinquished and Abandoned

Graveyard. We're treated to a far-too-brief Desecration Montage before the camera cuts over to capture...

...a panic-stricken gentleman, racing on foot through the darkened streets of what that target=_"blank">familiar-looking pub he's passing would have me believe is Paterson, New Jersey. The panic-stricken gentleman peels across a deserted street, pursued by a black, late-model German shepherd that's apparently intent on tearing out his throat, with the dog nipping at the guy's heels until Our Imperiled Friend disappears into a convenient diner. The soon-to-be-dead gent opts for the presumed safety of the men's room, where he locks himself in and leans against the wall to dial 911 and scream, "There's a dog after me!" with his heaving breaths fogging up in the bathroom's suddenly supercooled air. DUN! And sure enough, a persistent doggy panting erupts behind him, and Our Imperiled Friend turns to find himself staring straight into the jaws of that late-model German shepherd. The dog growls, and as Our Imperiled Friend howls, "Nooooooo!" that late-model German shepherd knocks Our Imperiled Friend right into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!

This Week's Motel Room, the following morning. Our Intrepid Idiots are just returning from their merry late-night round of grave desecration, and wouldn't you know it? The latest victim's death has already made the paper -- and on the front page, no less! That's some incredibly quick editorial turnaround time, there. In any event, despite the brutal nature of what the paper describes as "a wild animal attack," none of the diner's patrons saw the wild animal in question, and the 911 operator claimed to hear nothing aside from the panic-stricken gent screaming at her. Super-Smart Sammy deploys his mad Googling skillz to dig up a little more information on the deceased, and it turns out this "Christopher Fisher" person was arrested five years ago for "running a dog-fighting operation." "So, what?" Dean grumps, mightily annoyed with the entire situation because lest we've forgotten, Something's Not Quite Right With Dreary El Deano This Evening. "He causes so much misery," Dean continues, referring of course to The Late, Unlamented Mr. Fisher, "that some Rottweiler goes Cujo on him from beyond the grave?" "Do dogs even have ghosts?" he wonders briefly before getting all judgmental and announcing that The Late, Unlamented Mr. Fisher "had it coming." "Maybe not," Sam counters, furrowing his mighty brow as his mad Googling skillz proceed to unearth the following bit of mitigating detail: After The Late, Unlamented Mr. Fisher received probation for his crimes, he threw himself into volunteering for an animal shelter, raising tens of thousands of dollars to upgrade the shelter's facilities while placing countless abandoned pets with new owners. D'OH!

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