Defending Your Life

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 3 USERS: D+
Let the Hardy Boys Be Relinquished and Abandoned

In any event, as she pours out his next cocktail, Barmaid Mia inquires of Dean, "Love life, or job?" Dean stares like the mouthbreathing moron he is, so Barmaid Mia elaborates like so: "Two quick doubles, it's something." "That is a complex question," Dean smarms, by now pretty much openly flirting with her. "Well," she smiles, "luckily I'm like a captive shrink with unlimited alcohol." Atta girl. "So, shoot!" she continues, leaning down next to him, getting all friendly-like. "You like to hear people's problems?" Dean chuckles. "I get curious," Mia allows, before amending that statement with a very suspicious, "On occasion." And by this point, I'm convinced Mia's working with Osiris, so imagine my deep, deep disappointment later in the episode when we find out she's just another bleach-blonde chippie Dean's trying to bang. Ooops. Spoiler! "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, that too. Maybe I should downgrade this episode to an F.

Anyway, long story short, Dreary El Deano more or less blabs to Barmaid Mia about that whole Dead Amy thing from last week, and Fuzzy Osiris shoots Dean what I'm sure is a supremely hairy eyeball from the close blurry foreground of the frame, and then we're off to the...

...abandoned apple orchard, where we find Darling Sammy just now grumbling up in front of the barn aboard the Impala. The Ginormotron unfolds all sixteen feet of his enormous frame from the front seat and, drawing his brother's trusty pearl-handled automatic from his jacket pocket, he sets to investigating, accompanied by many Tough-Guy Jazz-Hands and much flashlight-fu. It's riveting. Eventually, he thinks to look down, which is when he finally -- finally -- finds the goddamned red dirt he drove all the way out there to see.

And as he's heading back to the Impala, his cell phone rings. It's Bobby, of course, calling with some exciting news: The murderous old coot's scribblings are actually fair representations of Egyptian hieroglyphs -- specifically, Egyptian hieroglyphs from The Book of the Dead. These particular hieroglyphs indicate the presence of Osiris, which is very bad news for Our Intrepid Idiots indeed, for according to Bobby, Osiris "can see directly into the human heart." "He weighs the guilt," Bobby explains, "and if he finds more than a feather's worth, boom! You're gone." Naturally, Stupid Sammy doesn't understand why this is a problem, so Bobby's forced to blither, "You two got to get the hell out of Dodge! This guy hones in on people that feel guilty, and who does that sound like to you?" Well, to me, honey, it sounds like Sam, but what the hell do I know? I've only been watching this show for six goddamn years. In any event, Stupid Sammy thinks. And then Stupid Sammy thinks some more. And then Stupid Sammy thinks one more time and finally -- FINALLY -- gets it.

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