Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | Grade It Now!
The Hardy Boys Meet Bristol Palin

"Oh, honey, isn't it just perfect?" I'm sure the mother coos to the father as the adolescent special-needs son gambols happily in the yard with the family dog, and the teenaged daughter gripes about cell phone reception while the probably-gay uncle agrees with his sassy niece that living in the middle of nowhere sucks (and not in the good way), and if that lineup of characters sounds like a hot scrambled mess of pop-culture clich├ęs to you, you're right, and if you think I made any of it up, you are so very, very, very wrong, and this episode just got about three thousand hours longer than it actually is. They even named the fucking dog "Buster," for Christ's sake. I must note, however, that the mother is being played by noted 1980s lesbian icon and infamous Supergirl portrayer Helen Slater, and...that's all I really have to say about that, as it turns out. Well, you know, aside from the fact that I now feel really old. "Only just now?!" Raoul shrieks, and this I know I have always said in the past: Watch that goddamned forked tongue of yours, houseguest. "Hee!"

In any event, the LYING LIARS WHO LIE descend from the front porch at this moment and, after presenting themselves to the hapless passel of Monster Chow arrayed on the lawn as Messrs. Stanwyck and Babar of the county's health department, proceed to LIE to the father that, due to the possibility of ongoing asbestos issues, the family will not be allowed to move in until after Messrs. Stanwyck and Babar's still-pending investigation is complete. The father -- who'd secured a thorough inspection of the property no more than a week ago -- flails about for a bit at this news until Authoritarian El Deano firmly points the gentleman in the direction of the local hostelry. For whatever reason, the father caves, and as the family dejectedly crawls back into their various vehicles, the teenaged daughter sarcastically snaps, "Another motel? Awesome, Dad -- I hope this one has hooker sheets like the last one!" Dean goggles a bit at all of the sassiness on display, or maybe he's goggling at the idea of a motel offering its guests nothing but hooker sheets to sleep on like none of us have ever seen the places these guys have stayed in their entire freaking lives, or whatever, Supernatural, and you can knock it off with the so-called "comedic" tootling on the electric organ that's been underscoring this scene ANY TIME NOW, and can we move to the next scene already? Please? "Yes, let's!" Oh, Raoul. Even after all this time, you've still got my back. "Of course!" And this is why I can never stay angry with you for very long. "Stop being such a sap and get on with it already, or we're never going to make it to the rat!" As you wish, my scaly friend.

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