Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 1 USERS: C-
The Hardy Boys Meet Bristol Palin

Now, where was I? Oh, yes: Sam and Dean convince Husband to evacuate all remaining Monster Chow from the premises immediately, but as they spin around to hop into the various vehicles littering the grass, they discover three sets of slashed tires, along with a bottomless Metallicar trunk that's been completely emptied of its many, many implements of mass destruction. "NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY CAR!" Dean basically screams, and he's not wrong, so we know it won't be long before Our Intrepid Heroes rid themselves of The Thing From The Pre-Credits Sequence with extreme prejudice. Now we just have to wait another goddamned half an hour for them to finally get around to it. In any event, after briefly spotting The Soon-To-Be-Dead-But-Not-Soon-Enough Thing From The Pre-Credits Sequence in the surrounding foliage, Dean orders everyone back inside, where he lays down a circle of salt for reasons that should be obvious to anyone who's been watching this show for longer than a week. Unfortunately, the assembled Monster Chow remains collectively skeptical, and Probably-Gay Uncle expresses this skepticism best when he shouts, "Look, I don't care who hung themselves where -- something is going on here, but it's just some backwoods hillbilly bitch and I'm not about sit around here waiting for her to go all Deliverance on my ass!" And you know what? He's totally, completely, absolutely, one-hundred-percent right: It is some backwoods hillbilly bitch -- and her backwoods hillbilly bitch of a brother -- so now, upon rewatching it all, nothing that occurs between this point and the supposedly big reveal matters. Oy. Though, you know, now that Probably-Gay Uncle's put the entire situation in those terms, I think I'll be referring to the twin inbred mutant freaks who have been locked in a basement their entire lives as "Bristol" and "Levi," partly because I never got a chance to comment on the entire vile Palin clan back when it actually mattered, but mainly because I am a petty and unforgiving bitch. "Atta girl!" Bless you, friend of friends.

So, where does that leave us? Waiting for Dashing El Deano and Darling Sammy to realize they're dealing with inbred mutant freaks, I suppose, which eventually happens when Bristol lurches out of the cubbyhole she's been locked in most of her sad, pathetic life to shove those goddamned sexy librarian glasses straight down her evil pageant bimbo of a mother's throat. Ooops. Actually, Show Bristol just lurches out of her cubbyhole and keeps lurching until she's shuffled through the line of salt, thereby proving to Our Intrepid Heroes (well, proving to Dean, as Sammy fucked off God knows where God knows when for whatever Godawful stupid reason) that she is not, in fact, a ghost. Which takes Bristol, like, three whole minutes of airtime to do, so aren't you glad we skipped ahead? In any event, once Bristol's crossed the line, Dean shoos the remaining Monster Chow out the front door again while he goes mano-a-whatever the Italian phrase is for "inbred clawlike appendage" with Bristol, who's produced a nasty-looking butcher's knife from the folds of her dress, Not "no" as in "No, I cannot believe an inbred mutant freak somehow has access to advanced kitchen utensils," but "no" as in, "No, I won't wonder where she got her dress after having been locked in the basement her entire life with her inbred mutant twin, Levi, because I've still got nearly twenty minutes of show to get through." That "no." Sigh. In any event, Dean fends her off with a fireplace poker as best he can until Darling Sammy returns from wherever the hell he'd been and shines a flashlight in Bristol's eyes. Bristol -- photophobic from all those years spent locked in the basement, don't you know -- immediately recoils from the flashlight's beam and, shrieking and hooting like the inbred banshee she is, retreats back into her magical cupboard.

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