Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 3 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Try Not To Drop The Soap

Booker T. And The MGs' classic "Green Onions" kicks in on the soundtrack as Sam and Dean arrive via bus at the county lockup. And by "classic," I do of course mean "hatefully overplayed," as it's appeared in seemingly everything ever produced over the last thirty years -- including, of all hideous things, that foul, obnoxious excuse for a movie Stepmom. "You forgot 'infernally evil'!" Raoul whispers. "'That foul, obnoxious infernally evil excuse for a movie'!" Raoul, shhhh! You have to preserve your voice for the season finale! "Ooops! Okay!" In any event, the boys hop down from the bus, chained at their wrists and their ankles, and amusingly enough, while Li'l Stumpy has to gather all of his excess chain into his hands to avoid tripping on it, The Ginormotron has absolutely no excess at all, and in fact is barely able to lift his hands above his waist. Hee. Also: six-foot-three, my ass. The boys pull a hobbled walk of shame past the current inmates in the exercise yard, and when one particularly burly one points and vows, "You're mine!" El Deano grins back over his shoulder, "Don't worry, Sam -- I promise I won't trade you for smokes." Dean, honey. He was pointing at you. "I smell romance!" Shhhh!

We hop inside to one of the cellblocks to find the boys -- already clad in their matching orange jumpsuits, because no, we're not going to see them stripped naked and humiliated with a hose-down "shower" and delousing, like, what? You think you're watching HBO, here? -- obediently marching into their new temporary digs, their arms laden with bedding and toiletries. Dean's cellmate is a pig-faced greaser with Charles Manson eyes who simply scowls at El Deano's affable attempt to claim the top bunk. Sam, directly across the hall from his brother, nods all curtly and manfully at his new best friend, who rises and rises and rises and rises and rises from the lower bunk to tower over The Ginormotron. Hee. Where the hell did they find that freak? Sam swallows tightly and turns to face Dean just as the guards slam shut their respective cells' doors -- in unison, of course, because this is a comedy, and not some searing expose on the abuses of the modern American prison system.

A short time later, all of the gentlemen on the block line up to get wanded down on their way to the cafeteria. Towards the back of the line, Dean whispers, "My roommate doesn't say much -- how's yours?" "He just keeps staring at me," Sam mumbles, right behind Dean, "in a way that makes me...really uneasy." Hee. Dean cracks wise about Sam making new friends already, which all but forces Sam to snit, "This is without a doubt the dumbest, craziest thing we've ever done, and that's in a long and storied career of dumb and crazy!" And I have to admit, Sam's got a point, because that plan he was bitching about back in The Arkansas Museum Of Anthropology? This is it. Yep, El Deano decided that they needed to get themselves arrested so they'd be thrown into the county jail because a source convinced him that some unseen and unearthly presence has been responsible for a recent spate of mysterious deaths in the joint, of which there have been four to date. "Innocent people!" Dean argues. "Yeah, 'innocent,'" Sam snickers by way of retort, the airquotes included in his tone. Dean cocks a brow at this and shoots back, "You from Texas all of a sudden? Just because these people are in jail doesn't mean they deserve to die, and if we don't stop this thing? People are gonna continue to die." "We do the job wherever it takes us," he reminds Sam, thus finishing the miniature lecture. Sam won't let it go, though, and mutters something unkind about Dean really taking on this job for "Deacon's" sake. Deacon, you see, was in the Marines with Daddy Shut Up and unfortunately intervened at some point in the past to save their father's life, so Dean feels that they owe the guy one. Besides, this Deacon person is not only the gent who clued Dean in on the case in the first place, he's also the guy who has carefully arranged for their foolproof escape from the prison once the job is done. Of course, the sudden appearance of the vengeful Henriksen has thrown a bit of a wrench into things, but as long as Our Intrepid Heroes eliminate the current threat with their usual speed and diligence, they should be fine. Got all that? Good. Because this is the longest goddamned lunch line I've ever had to endure.

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