Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 4 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Get Snuggly, Hugly, Mean and Ugly

Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: Sam, not noticing the manly heft of Satan's hand on his remarkably healthy shoulder, asks, "How can you be so sure?" "Because you freed me," Lucifer sighs, all dreamy-eyed at his brand-new boyfriend's extraordinarily expressive physique. Or something like that. As Sam leaps to his feet in terror, Lucifer amiably confesses, "You are a hard one to find, Sam -- harder than most humans!" and I'm sure there's something smutty about that statement, but I can't quite put my finger on it. "I don't suppose you'd tell me where you are?" Lucifer politely asks, for Sam is indeed still either dreaming or hallucinating at the moment. "What do you want with me?" Sam spits, and you know how I've referred to other rather special scenes in certain previous episodes as "The Seduction Of St. Sammy"? Yeah, forget all of them, because I was wrong, because this is The Seduction Of St. Sammy, and so far, it's playing out like some sort of twisted, homoerotic Victorian potboiler, and I think I'm in love with it. Anyway, ignoring Sam's question, Lucifer quietly states, "Thanks to you" -- and here he bows his head slightly in Sam's direction -- "I walk the Earth. I want to give you a gift -- I want to give you everything." "I don't want anything from you!" Sam seethes, looking extra manly and such while doing so. Eyeing the object of his affections, Lucifer considers his next move, then admits, "I'm sorry, Sam, but Nick, here, is just an improvisation. Plan B. He can barely contain me without spontaneously combusting." "What are you talking about?" Sam flinches, not liking where this is going at all. "Why do you think you were in that chapel?" Lucifer croons, rising to his feet to approach Our Imperiled Hero. "You're the one, Sam! You're my Vessel -- my true Vessel!" "That will never happen!" Sam vows, eyes glistening with barely suppressed horror. "I'm sorry," Lucifer apologizes again, "but it will. I will find you, and when I do, you will let me in. I'm sure of it." "Dirty!" Raoul shrieks in his sleep, the filthy turn this conversation's suddenly taken managing to penetrate even his deeply inebriated unconsciousness. "[Hic!]"

"You need my consent!" Sam protests. "I will kill myself before I let you in!" "I'll just bring you back," Lucifer shrugs before sighing, "Oh, Sam. My heart breaks for you -- the weight on your shoulders? What you've done, and what you still have to do? It is more than anyone could bear. If there was some other way...." Lucifer trails off, finally shaking his head, "But there isn't." And now he steps even closer as he makes this promise: "I will never lie to you, and I will never trick you, but you will say yes to me." "You're wrong!" Sam insists. "I'm not," Lucifer smiles. "I think I know you better than you know yourself." It all finally becomes too much for poor Sammy, and his voice breaks a bit as he near-weeps, "Why me?" "Because it had to be you, Sam. It always had to be you." Sam drops his eyes to cry, and when he lifts them again, his infernally angelic new boyfriend is gone. God, men suck.

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