Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 7 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Mock The World Turtle

Kali's Suite. Gabriel materializes with a long-stemmed red rose and a candlelit dinner for two. Bamp-chicka-wow-wow. Next!

Lobby. Sam and Dean are on their way somewhere important, I presume, and hide behind a partition in The Astro Lounge when Odin, Zao Shen, Baron Samedi, and The Eternally Anonymous Bartender drag one of the freezer hors d'oeuvres from the kitchen and hack the guy to pieces right there on the front desk. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Off camera. "RAGE! [Slurp!] Ah!" Next!

Kali's Suite. The seduction continues apace, but because Gabriel references Avatar, this entire scene can go to hell. Next!

Kitchen. Sam once again tries and fails to pick the padlock on the meat freezer's door as a bloody-mouthed Zao Shen barges in to flip Dean ass-over-end into a set of shelves.

Suite. Macking. Next!

Kitchen. Zao Shen effortlessly snatches Darling Sammy up into a one-handed choke hold, both because Darling Sammy suh-huuuuucks a the hand-to-hand and because If It's Thursday, Sam's Getting Strangled.

Suite. Macking. Next!

Kitchen. Jensen Ackles sure does give good thigh in those jeans of his. Rrrowr. Next!

Suite. Macking. Next!

Choking! Next!

Macking! Next!

Choking! Macking! Choking! Macking! END THIS! "[Slurp!]" Just as Dean spears Zao Shen from behind with a rough-hewn stake I'm assuming he just now pulled out of his ass, crafty Kali sinks her fingernails into Gabriel's neck, drawing blood. Zao Shen promptly keels over dead, proving that tonight's so-called gods and goddesses can be slaughtered just as easily as the last ones we saw on this show. Good to know. Meanwhile, Kali's leveling her would-be paramour with one serious pair of Fuck You eyes. And when she does finally speak, it's to tell him, "You must take me for a fool, Gabriel." Busted! "[Hic!]" Kali wiggles her bloodstained fingertips in Gabriel's face and announces with a sly, creeping smile, "You're bound to me -- now and forever!" DUN!

By the way, I've heard there's some web series out there that somebody wants you to know about. I think. You might want to look it up when you get a chance. Or, you know, avoid it like the plague, like we are. "[Slurp!] [Hic!] Oh, my!"

Ballroom. As Baron Samedi and The Eternally Anonymous Bartender hustle Sam and Dean through the doors, the already-present Gabriel asks Kali, "How long have you known?" "Long enough," Kali icily replies, and once Our Intrepid Heroes have been wrestled into seats next to their would-be savior, Kali announces to the room at large, "Surprise, surprise! The Trickster has tricked us." "Don't," Gabriel pleads. Kali insinuates herself into Gabriel's lap, and... "What is wrong with that poor woman's skirt?!" I was just wondering the same thing myself, Raoul. "Why is she gallivanting about with her zipper just twisted all off-center like that!? [Hic!] Doesn't she know?!" I suspect she does not, my easily intoxicated friend. "Well! [Hic!] Someone should tell her!" Just a hunch, hon, but I think they've got other things on their mind at the moment. "But it's tragic!" That it is, Raoul, but whaddya say we hurry this along so we can get to all of those good parts you like so much? "Okay! [Hic!] [Slurp!]"

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