Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 2 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Cough Up A Hairball

...Dean grunts, "This lawyer guy the first heart-free corpse in town?" The camera's cut over to Our Intrepid Heroes' current motel room, where we find El Deano perched on one of the beds, cleaning his gun. "Dirty!" shrieks Raoul. Oh, don't go there. I'm barely four minutes in, here, and I'd like to reach Darling Sammy's doggy-style exertions before I hit my seventy-third birthday, thanks very much. "You mean that particular milestone has yet to pass?! You could have fooled me!" Raoul! Quiet! "Turnabout is fair play, my dear!" Raoul snorts. "As my dear, darling mother used to shriek, 'Don't dish it out if you can't take it, you big sissy!'" Mothers always know, don't they, Raoul? "Mine did!" In any event, and long story short, the boys chat about the facts of the current case, which are these: Over the past year, "several" women have gone missing, their corpses washing up later in the bay far too decayed for the coroner to make a determination on the precise cause of death, but none of these ladies were found with their hearts intact, either, so there you go. All of these ladies had last been employed as -- ahem -- professional escorts in Hunter's Point prior to their disappearances, and while the police department's been keeping very quiet about the whole thing, Sam learned they believe they're dealing with a serial killer. However, as each of the disappearances occurred during the week leading up to the full moon -- which, not so coincidentally, also matches the timing of Nate's evisceration -- Our Dear Boys know better. What they've got on their hands is a "badass" werewolf stalking the streets of San Francisco, and while they find it a bit odd that the creature's M.O. flipped from female to male victims with this last bit of slaughter, the good news is they already know how to ice the thing: A silver bullet to the motherfucker's heart. Dean's as happy as a little girl about the whole adventure, as they haven't run in to an actual werewolf since they were kids, and this of course leads to a bit of teasing from The Ginormotron, but nothing will dampen El Deano's mood. "What's our next move?" he grins, positively giddy. "Talk to the girl who found the body," Sam shrugs, so it's off to...

...a small, green-painted woodframe apartment house, where the LYING LIARS WHO LIE talk their way through Maddie's front door by assuring her they're simply there to follow up on a few of the statements she'd earlier given their fellow detectives. Maddie escorts them into her living room to introduce Detective Dante (that would be Sam, using the name of the guy who directed The Howling) and Detective Landis (that would be Dean, using the name of the guy who decapitated Vic Morrow with a helicopter) (after he directed An American Werewolf In London) (but fifteen years before he directed Blues Brothers 2000, so if John Landis is offended I mentioned him first in connection with decapitating Vic Morrow with a helicopter even after all of these years, John Landis can shut the hell up) to her neighbor, Glen. Glen is a well-meaning nerd with an obvious and painfully unrequited crush on Maddie. He is also a right-wing Christianist religious freak, which we can tell by the logo for the "Mission Church" on his t-shirt. He is also one of tonight's motherfucking werewolves, which we can tell by the unruly amounts of facial hair he possesses, and because he is a well-meaning nerd with an obvious and painfully unrequited crush on Maddie and a right-wing religious freak, this also means he's the motherfucking werewolf who's been eviscerating all of the hookers down at Hunter's Point. Got all that? Good.

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