Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C | 1 USERS: C+
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The Hardy Boys 2.0

We open at night, in Richardson, Texas, two months ago. Four teens, three boys and one girl, walk through a spooky forest, coming upon a ramshackle and falling-down house. They pause outside to discuss how they are SO not going in the house, before...heading into the house. If these people are "teenagers" then I'm a twice-baked potato. As they head in, one of the forty-year-old men asks the thirty-five-year-old woman if she wants him to hold her hand. She lets him, but when he asks if he can hold "any other parts," she punches him in the arm. He says, "Ow, my arthritis!" Once inside, they find lots of strange symbols painted on the walls and floors. The leader-seeming kid exposits, "They say it lives in the root cellar. Goes after girls. Just strings them up." One of the other kids calls bullshit on the first kid's whole "they." He challenges him over where he's heard the legend. Leader Boy claims that he heard it from his cousin. The Skeptic grabs the flashlight and heads for the root cellar because Leader Boy's story is so unconvincing. The lady just stands around having blonde hair.

Once down there, The Skeptic snarks, "Oooh, the evil root cellar. Where Satan cans all his vegetables." Come to think of it, canned vegetables probably do have some sort of connection with the First Evil. The rest of them join The Skeptic downstairs; he faces them and goes on and on about how it isn't even scary down there and how it's just a "crap farmhouse" and holds the flashlight under his chin and makes goofy faces. Of course, all the while, we keep cutting to the stunned and frightened faces of the other three geriatric teens. So The Skeptic finally asks them what the problem is, turns around, and finds a young woman strung up and dead. Screaming. Zappy credits.

Blue Oyster Cult plays on the soundtrack. The Metallicar drives down a two-lane back road. The captions tell us that we're looking at Interstate 35. Which, as an interstate, probably has more than two lanes. I just feel so...tired. Why specify the road? Dean drives while Sam snoozes in the passenger seat. Dean looks mischievous as he slowly reaches a plastic spoon toward Sam's face. He sneaks the spoon into Sam's half-open snooze mouth, then opens his cell phone and snaps a picture of him. Dean laughs and laughs. Then he turns the radio up and belts out some lyrics and Sam shoots awake. While Dean takes the lead in his own personal high school musical, he also decides to do a little air drumming, which is just cringe-inducing. I think it has something to do with him air-drumming to Blue Oyster Cult. I get air-drumming to Poison, or Iron Maiden, or even, like, Styx, because in air-drumming to those bands, you are able to point up how silly your air-drumming is. But to Blue Oyster Cult? I feel like I just accidentally walked in on my dad putting on his boxer shorts. Just...nothing funny about that. Dean exposits through his gleaming teeth something about driving through "East Texas," which I maintain makes no sense, since if we believe they are on I-35, they'd be driving directly south toward Dallas. If they were actually "a few hours from Richardson" like Dean claims they are, they'd be in Oklahoma, and nobody calls either Oklahoma or the slight part of Texas north of Dallas "East Texas." Then Sam clunks that "we're not gonna start that stuff up again," referring to Dean's prank, and I wish somebody would take me out back to East Texas and shoot me. Gee, I wonder what's going to be an ongoing "theme" in tonight's show? Could it be...pranks?! Dean tells Sam to quit being a baby about the pranks, and asks if he's just worried he's going to "get a little Nair in your shampoo again?" Sam bores something back at him, and Dean responds by telling "baldy" to can it. Hee. When Sam asks where they are, Dean does a demented version of "cool" talk, be-bopping, "Few hours outside-a Richardssseennn." Sam bullet-points the haunted house vignette from the opening back to Dean. He says that the cops didn't find the body that the kids saw hanging from the rafters, and so they think the whole thing was just a...what? Oh, yes. A prank. Dean annoys the living shit out of me once again by suggesting that maybe the cops are right. Sam replies that after reading a few first-hand accounts of the experience, he thinks the kids are telling the truth. Dean drags it out of Sam that he got this information while "surfing some local paranormal websites." Which reminds me, can I take whoever coined that verb in connection with the internet out back to East Texas and shoot him? Specifically, Sam admits, he was checking out "hellhoundslair.com." Dean scoffs, "Let me guess, streaming live out of Mom's basement." Hey, pal, don't knock living with Mom 'til you've tried her famous oatmeal scotchies. I'd live in the lady from Misery's basement for a weekly dose of those. Dean thinks that most of those websites "wouldn't know a ghost if it bit 'em on the pursqueeter." Sam takes a stick and inserts it into his own pursqueeter, reminding Dean that after making "the mistake" of letting their dad run off into the night at the end of the last episode, they have to bide their time until they can find him again, so they might as well check the story out. You know some other ways people bide their time? Reading, exercising, going to the movies, picking their noses, going out to dinner, getting drunk. Dean wonders where they're going to find the kids, and Sam transitions, "Same place you always find kids in a town like this..." Which would work if they were actually traveling to a small town, but which doesn't here because freaking Richardson is the town of a thousand chain restaurants, a suburb of Dallas.

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