Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 1 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Do Hollywood

Not really. It starts out okay, I suppose, but the actress playing Wendy just can't maintain it, and the scream dies a miserably weak and uncomfortably lingering death long after the shot reverses angles so we can see the three crew guys who've shoved a camera all up into the actress's face for this shot. For yes, gentle reader, we are really on a movie set, and "Wendy" is actually screaming at a green tennis ball affixed to the top of the camera's lens housing. Off to the side, the harried director of this cinematic masterpiece calls out, "Cut!" and as he removes his headset to rise from his chair for a little chat with "Wendy's" portrayer, he mutters to himself, "What the hell was that?" Various bored-looking assistants and script supervisors ignore him to, like, go grab snacks, or something, as the bell rings and the Wendy actress shoots us all a look, like, "Oh, Christ." The camera crew that had been surrounding her takes off in one direction while a prop guy relieves her of her flashlight and skitters off in another, and The Wendy Actress gratefully accepts a Snapple from a kindly production assistant named Walter as she mopes off the set proper. The director unctuously slimes his way over to her side, full of finger-guns and false compliments, and eventually suggests to "Tara" that she "might wanna try dialing up that scream." Tara sheepishly allows that the scream wasn't perhaps her best, but protests that she's "having trouble with the tennis ball." For those of you not in the know, Jared Padalecki has admitted to having the same sort of troubles in the seemingly countless interviews he's given on the subject of green-screen acting as it relates specifically to this show -- like, you know I love you, you freakishly ginormous dork, you, but you really have to come up with some new material for those things. Anyway, in other, longer words, Tara can't quite muster up the sense of terror required for the scene because she feels like a jackass screaming at a tennis ball. Got it? Good.

The unctuous director starts oozing something about "CG registration" and concept sketches and whatnot, but I'm not paying any attention to him whatsoever because Tara's right eye is freaking the hell straight out of my body even as I type this. God love this poor actress, who I'm sure has lost many a role because of the...creative way she focuses on objects right in front of her, but seriously: The woman is wall-eyed. And no, I am not exaggerating a minor physical defect for comic effect the way I did with Emmanuelle Vaugier in the last episode. This chick seriously -- and throughout the episode -- always, always has her left eye pointed at whomever it is she's speaking to while her right takes a detour to roam around whichever nearby wall happens to be the most attractive at the moment. It's incredibly distracting. And unnerving. And wrong. It's like Sammy Davis Jr.'s been reincarnated as a 25-year-old white woman. ANY-way. What's probably more important at this juncture is the fact that the concept sketches presented to Tara seem both to depict and to mock the Nicholas Cage character in Ghost Rider, which is our first real proof of how in-jokey this entire episode's going to be. In this version of the flaming skeleton man, he's toting a blazing fraternity pledge paddle, for some reason. Make of that what you will.

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