Supernatural

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The Hardy Boys Do the Zelda Rubenstein Thing

Lawrence, Kansas. A piano plinks as a woman sits on the floor in the dark amidst a pile of moving boxes, tearfully looking at her wedding photos. Holy eighties wedding dress, mutton sleeves! The woman does, indeed, look a lot like Maria Bello. Her daughter, who looks about nine or ten, walks in to tell her that "there's something in my closet." Cut to the mother, looking tough in a wife beater, throwing open the double closet doors in her daughter's room. The camera is positioned inside the closet looking out, so we've got the monster's-eye view. This time the in-peril guest star does NOT hear the score, because while the mother turns to her daughter to say, "See? There's nothing there," the eerie drone tells us otherwise. She closes the closet doors, and goes to tuck her daughter in. The little girl says, "I don't like this house," and her mother reassures her that she just isn't used to it yet. Mom turns out the light and slides a chair over in front of closet at the little girl's request, "just to be safe."

Back downstairs, the mom has decided to continue unpacking in the dark. And I'm beginning to regret deciding to recap during the day, as all I can see is my own damn reflected image in the dark screen. Hello, gorgeous! Mom hears creepy rattling and tapping and looks grossed out: "Please, God, don't let it be rats." She decides to go down into the EVEN darker basement to check it out. The lights don't work down there. Lady, I think the rats would wait until the morning if you'd like to deal then.

Upstairs, the closet doors begin rattling against the chair, which begins sliding forward. The little girl sits up and gasps. She scoots back against her headboard as the chair slides completely away from the doors.

Back in the basement, Mom wanders around the completely dark basement until her flashlight reveals a very unassuming-looking trunk. Why the trunk stood out to her amidst all the other old junk in the basement is not clear. She goes over to it and opens it up, finding old Winchester family photographs.

Upstairs in the room of paralyzing fear, the little girl watches helplessly as the closet door finally swings completely open.

Basement again, where Mom flips through photos of the young pre-evisceration Winchester family and smiles.

Upstairs again, the little girl watches as a ball of fire begins coalescing out of the dark recesses of the closet. The camera cuts to her bathed in the flickering light and then zooms in on the little actress as she takes a deep breath and lets out a pretty decent horror scream.Credits. Exterior shot of a house with creepy trees out front. The house is nicely regular, no ornate old-timey spookiness about it, just a dime-a-dozen two-story suburban house. The lighting and drone tell us that this shot isn't taking place in the real world or real time, and the camera stiltingly zooms in to show Jenny, the mother from the opening sequence, standing at the upstairs window soundlessly screaming and banging on the window. A truck horn sounds as we get an extreme close-up on the Padelecki being jolted awake from this nightmare. He sits up in his bed, and in doing so shows us that he's gotten his bangs trimmed! Oh, joy! It's about time, because there is no reason that your bangs should ever be overgrown. Did you know that you can just pop in at your stylist's and get your bangs trimmed for free -- for free! -- any time you want? Of course the trip is never totally free because you always end up walking out with an armful of hemp-derived Aveda products, but still. Your bangs? They should always be the proper length. Next issue, please.

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Supernatural

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