Boringest Boring In The History Of Boring. And...that's it? In the time it took me to type out "Boringest Car Chase In The History Of Car Chases," amend it to "Boringest Car Chase In The History Of Boring," and then settle on "Boringest Boring In The History Of Boring," the boring car chase came and went? WHATEVER. This episode is going to KILL ME.
Crypt. Poor deluded Dead Gay Tobey is under the mistaken impression he's an angel. Sam and Father Reynolds attempt to disabuse him of this notion. They fail.
Boringest Boring In The History Of Boring. The purported perp's car turns a corner, and despite the fact that Metallicar's been crawling along all of five feet behind it the entire time, El Deano loses the suspect. WHATEVER.
Crypt, and OH MY GOD. Now Father Reynolds and Dead Gay Tobey fling themselves into a discourse on The Nature Of Faith and The Qualities Of Redemption and Whatever The Hell Else We've Had To Endure This Entire Evening From The Boys Themselves, only now it's two priests we totally don't care about at all conducting the conversation, so it's about as exciting as watching Mother Angelica discuss the same stuff on EWTN. "You know," Raoul notes, "if Mother Angelica dragged heretics onto her program for live-action autos da fe, I'd actually tune in to watch the old gal." You know what's frightening? I believe you. And she might actually do it. Now, where was I? Oh, yes: NEXT!
Boringest Boring In The History Of...oh, wait a minute. This bit's actually good. And after the dreadful tedium of the last twenty minutes, it's also far more disturbing than it has any right to be. The purported perp cruises down an alleyway before pulling over to park as some anonymous country-western song plays on the radio. "How come we stopped?" the brunette date wonders, flashing her pretty, pretty teeth. The purported perp lunges across the front seat and tries to plant a sloppy wet one on her lips, but she sort of politely jostles him away with a little giggle and attempts gracefully to change the subject with, "Weren't we gonna go to the movies?" The purported perp settles back into his seat for a moment, then hauls off and clocks her in the jaw! "Eeeep!" meeps Raoul in shock. "I'm sorry!" the actual perp immediately apologies, babbling a bit. "It's just that, I've never done this before!" That's creepy as all hell. Especially when he jams the auto-lock down on all of the car's doors. "Eeeep!" And then he pulls a boxcutter out of his jacket pocket and starts struggling to cut off her blouse! "Eeeep! I think my Raoul is broken. Fortunately, before this can get any worse than it already is, El Deano smashes through the driver's-side window, snatches hold of the creep, decks him in the nose, and then slams the guy's head into the steering column a couple of times until the guy slumps back against the seat, unconscious. Dean hastily unlocks the doors, and the brunette launches herself like a rocket from the passenger seat to wig and freak and weep by the side of the car. Dean slides across the hood and grabs her hands, repeatedly demanding, "Are you okay?" while she just sobs, "Thank God!" over and over again. Meanwhile, the would-be rapist unexpectedly snaps out of his Dean-induced daze and peels off down the alleyway. Dean mutters a furious "Dammit!" and, after finally ensuring the brunette's unharmed, orders her to call 911 on her cell. For his part, he races back to the Impala to chase after the would-be rapist, for real this time. "Eeeep!" Snap out of it!