Rattle Rattle THEN! Our Intrepid Heroes loudly went their separate ways because Darling Sammy was having sex with a corpse for the better part of last season, but they quickly kissed and made up with each other -- after their own fashion, of course -- and are now ready to battle the multitudinous forces of Heaven and Hell together, or something like that. In other news, your faithful recapper is just loving these easily encapsulated THEN!s.
Slashy, Slashy NOW! The camera rises slowly over the back of a television as a location card reading "Alliance, Nebraska" appears at the bottom of the screen. A comely brunette who vaguely resembles Rose McGowan -- way back before Rose McGowan destroyed her face with a series of reckless plastic surgeries -- absolutely ruins her eyes by sitting on the floor all of six inches from the set, engrossed in what seems to be a cheap made-for-TV knockoff of Cujo. She absently reaches for a hairbrush and distractedly drags the thing through her dark tresses until she hears a series of thumping noises emanating from the closet at the far end of the night-darkened living room, and she rises to her feet to drift towards the source of the racket while calling out, "Jimmy?" The thumping continues as the camera lingers on her lovely Glamour Length Lee Press-On Nails which, as I mentioned in the recaplet, have been shellacked with Turquoise Glitter polish from Hot Topic, which makes me wonder if she's Team Edward or Team Jacob, because only a brain-dead Twitard of the lowest order would even consider defacing a perfectly good set of Glamour Length Lee Press-On Nails with so loathsome a shade. "However!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon. "The unfortunate lass must be commended for her stylish French pedicure!" Raoul, your remarkable powers of observation have once again put mine to shame, for I completely missed that lingering shot of the imperiled maiden's bare feet. "Thanks!" Now would you hush up for a minute so I can get to the part where she claws out her own brain? "Oh, absolutely! It sounds tasty!" Perfect.
So, the imperiled maiden delicately steps towards the suspect closet and slides open the doors to find...a fat adolescent with a spear through his head! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" shrieks Raoul, foolishly writhing about atop his overstuffed armchair with misguided delight, for the fat adolescent has merely wrapped a wild-n-crazy fake arrow around his head. "Oh, I am ashamed!" Raoul blushes, burying his now crimson face in his exquisitely manicured paws. "How could I have fallen victim to so childish a prank?!" Don't worry too much about it, my scaly friend, because The Imperiled Maiden seems to have bought it, too. "Really!?" Well, no, actually -- I'm lying to you to make you feel better, because The Imperiled Maiden saw through the tubby little bastard's immature ruse immediately. "Rats!" Yep, she wastes not a moment on the stupid trick and instead hauls Fat Jimmy to his pudgy feet to chide him for ignoring her earlier order to go to bed. Fat Jimmy offers to head upstairs as previously instructed if The Imperiled Babysitter lets him cop a feel, and with that, Fat Jimmy has officially become the first of several children scattered throughout this evening's presentation who need to die, and die horribly at that. Unfortunately, rather than hacking his skull neatly in two with a meat cleaver for his disgusting advance, The Imperiled Babysitter merely shoos him upstairs before returning to her made-for-TV Cujo knockoff. As the rabid dog on the screen shoves its frantically yapping muzzle into the driver-side window, The Imperiled Babysitter suddenly hears an equally rabid dog frantically yapping its muzzle on the lawn below the house. She mutes the set's volume and warily rises once more to peer out the front window, but of course sees nothing.