Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: B | Grade It Now!
The Hardy Boys Go From Wags To Witches

Inside, the woman's husband is feeding their baby a jar of carrots or squash -- let's go with squash, since it's seasonal. Feeding is an overstatement. He seems to be applying it like a hand and face mask. The baby is so not interested, and if you listen closely, it seems she calls the Daddy an asshole. I'm serious. Granted, she's probably trying to say, "All done," or "All gone," but that's only because she doesn't know the word asshole. Yet. Anyone who has ever had a baby knows babies would swear up a storm if they but could. The closed-captioners are keeping this cute baby's secret, so I guess we'll never know. And boy is that baby is cute. I say, "Cute baby!" and look at Scott. He says, "Yeah, hmmm." without even meeting my eyes. After 14 years of marriage complete with a full set of children, he's got that down to a science. Thank you honey, for ignoring my temporary bouts of insanity! The parents kiss, and talk about how mobbed the stores are with everyone stocking up for the holiday, and how the mom had to wrestle a 74 year old woman for the big bucket o' candy. The Daddy tries to take a piece of candy from the big bucket o' candy, but the Mommy slaps his hand away and reminds him they ran out of candy at 6:30 PM, last year. The baby starts crying, because she's not getting enough attention. Waaah. The Mommy picks her up, without wiping the squash off of her, but then doesn't yell, "Shit. I got squash all over my shirt!" Who does that, writers? That's like the Christmas shows in which people get their trees at 8:00 PM Christmas Eve, and they're perfect, and they have fun decorating it, and nobody freaks out trying to find the one bulb in a strand of 250 that's botching up the whole set. The Mommy takes the baby upstairs for a bath, and the Daddy says he'll be up in a minute.

With the Mommy gone, the Daddy sneaks a piece of candy from the aforementioned big buck o'. He unwraps it, pops it in his mouth, sighs deeply (even the closed-captioners agree), and takes another piece, before he's even done chewing the first. I like my candy as much as anyone who isn't my children, but did the big sigh seem weird to anyone else? It was all, "Oh, candy. Sheeesh. Now I eat you," like he was resigned to it, or something. The Daddy looks rather startled and stops his chewing. It appears something is in the piece of candy he's got in his mouth. He puts down the other piece, turns from the cabinet and reaches inside his mouth. In an extra-disgusting scene, he puts his fingers in his mouth, and we see it all from the inside. Show? I don't really need to determine if the guy's a flosser. I wonder if they really have some sort of mini-cam in the back of this guy's throat, or if this is CGI or if they used some sort of model. It's way too frigging convincing. Oh my sweet Butterfingers. There's a razor blade stuck into the roof of his mouth -- which, in case I failed to make it clear -- we're seeing from the INSIDE. Daddy takes his fingers out, and sees blood on them. He puts them back in, and we get the inside view of his mouth. AGAIN! YUCK! He grasps the razor blade and then takes his sweet time pulling it out. We get an inside view of the wound dripping blood. He then doubles over in pain, groans, falls to his knees, drops the blade, blood gushes from his mouth, and then he (violently) coughs some more, coughs up another blade, has some spasms, and he face plants in the middle of his own blood. Children, this is what you get when you have candy after Mommy's told you no. They should film that, and show it every Halloween. Oh yeah, they did film it. Anyhow, Mommy comes back downstairs, baby still on her hip. "Luke, what's taking you so long?" Luke's eyes are open but vacant as he lies in a pool of his own blood. The woman screams. The baby doesn't care. She's eating a toy. Bye bye, Daddy. Crows caw, a woman screams and the title card flaps its way onto the screen on bat-like angel wings.

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