Supernatural

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Demian: A | 4 USERS: A+
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The Hardy Boys: Now On A Mission From God!

Out on the road, Dean inquires as to how Sam escaped Lilith's wrath at the end of last season's finale, and it's not important, because we already know, and because what is important is that Dean next inquires as to Ruby's current whereabouts. Why is this important? Because The Anti-Christ LIES to The Stumpy Little Bow-Legged Lamb Of God. Yep, Sam LIES that Ruby's still alive, and then The Foul Fiend And Great Dissembler continues to LIE that he hasn't made use of his freaky ESP powers since Our Dean And Saviour's untimely demise last May. Jesus hmmms at all of this and keeps driving. For now. "He's going to smite Sam right there in the car!" Raoul excitedly shrieks. Alas, my scaly friend, I'm afraid that doesn't happen. "Rats!" Yet. "Hooray!"

The next morning -- and why they didn't take The Jesus Wormhole to get there last night is beyond me -- Bobby introduces Our Mortal Enemies to "Pamela Barnes, the best damn psychic in the state." That sound you heard rising from the Boston area at this moment on Thursday evening was our lovely and talented moderator shrieking her lovely and talented head off over the shout-out. Thanks, Mr. Kripkeeper, sir! Show Barnes, by the way, is a sassy little brunette with severe eyebrows, a Ramones beater, and a tramp stamp that reads "Jesse Forever," so it's quite fortunate that we really don't have to spend that much time with her. Thanks again, Mr. Kripkeeper, sir!

So, Show Barnes, forewarned as she was of the purpose of Bobby's visit, has already consulted with her usual familiars (or whatever the hell you're supposed to call those dead people who talk to psychics) and as they've got nothing, Show Barnes proposes a séance. Not to summon the creature responsible for Dean's escape, mind you, but rather "to get a sneak peek at it." "Like a crystal ball without the crystal," she sasses at Bobby, for she is, as I believe I mentioned three sentences ago, Sassy. She is also, apparently, an entirely normal and healthy woman of the heterosexual persuasion, for as she gathers candles for her little sneak peek, she proposes a three-way with Dean and Sam. Sassily! Unfortunately for Show Barnes -- most unfortunately, as it turns out -- business must come before pleasure, and the next thing we know, the boys plus Bobby and Show Barnes have arranged themselves around a table upon which rest six candles in pentagram formation (the sixth is in the middle), thereby matching the pattern of that cunning cloth Show Barnes placed them upon. She instructs the gentlemen to hold hands and then, after placing one of her own on top of the hand-shaped brand on Dean's shoulder, intones, "I invoke, conjure, and command you: Appear unto me, Show Barnes!" Or something like that. And she intones it over and over and over again, too, until her television set gets completely sick of the tedium and flicks itself on of its own accord, just to spite her with snow. Dean, knowing where this is going, freaks, but Show Barnes intones on, even after an unseen presence named "Castiel" warns her -- in quiet, whispering tones unheard by the audience, I should probably note -- to turn back. Show Barnes sassily refuses to heed Castiel's request, and continues to repeat her demands, adding as she goes on, "Show me your face!" So, Castiel complies, and that's very bad news for Show Barnes, indeed, for when he does, the flames on the candles shoot two feet into the air while her very own eyes incandesce with a brilliant, searing heat right there in her skull! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Show Barnes screams and screams and screams at the sight of Castiel's true visage just like TWoP Barnes screams and screams and screams every time she goes into the Jensen Ackles thread, and shortly after Show Barnes starts gushing blood from the holes where her eyes should be, she collapses to the floor in a faint. Sam hustles off immediately to call for an ambulance while Dean and Bobby drop to their knees to cradle Show Barnes in their arms. "I can't see!" she wails, just like TWoP Barnes does after she rummages around the Fan Fiction thread. "I can't see!" "Oh, God!" Show Barnes sobs. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod!" I'd note the similarity between the fictional Barnes at this moment and the real Barnes whenever she catches sight of the Spoiler thread, but I do believe Raoul has something to say. "I do not!" Really? "Really! I just want to see what happens next! This evening's entertainment thus far has made me most enthused for the remainder of the episode!" That's a switch. I think. Well, okay, then: So, Show Barnes weeps and wails and gnashes her teeth straight into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!, and a very big round of applause to Traci Dinwiddie for her mad sobbing skillz, because she has done just an outstanding job, here.

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Supernatural

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