Episode Report Card
Demian: D- | 4 USERS: A-
Do The Hardy Boys Dazzle You?

"You'll see if he finds us," Boris smiles before leaning in to giggle, "You'll see him inside-out!" Dean's all, "Yes, yes, very nice, but why am I here, again?" Boris grumbles about useless Robbie for a bit before delivering a heavy round of exposition, the upshot of which is as follows: Boris, a 650-year-old vampire, has taken advantage of the recent Twitard mania running roughshod across our defenseless nation to seduce the "spoiled brats" who have "reinvented" vampires as "Prince Charming with a Volvo," thereby increasing his clan's numbers, as per his orders from The Alpha Vampire, about whom we shall learn more in a few short moments. The new female recruits are kept in cages until they are "compliant," after which they'll be sent out to fetch boys like Robbie and Dean -- but more like Robbie than Dean, because Dashing El Deano's a little long in the tooth to be cavorting with idiot teenagers -- and so the circle continues. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Dude, knock it the hell off! It's not my fault this goddamned episode's so fucking boring. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Bitch.

ANY-way, Boris then turns his back to lead Dean on a "private tour" of the facilities -- if you know what he means, and I think you do -- so Dean carefully draws the hypodermic full of Dead Man's Blood from his jacket pocket, quietly uncaps the thing, and slowly lifts his hand to plunge the needle into Boris's back. Unfortunately, a tiny drop of Dead Man's Blood falls from the needle's tip to splash on the floor, and it of course makes enough noise to alert Boris to Dean's nefarious plotting, so Boris super-speeds back to Dean's side, throws Our Intrepid Hero into a chokehold, and wrests the hypodermic from Dean's hand. And he'd do far more than that, I'm sure, were it not for the otherworldly susurrations now overwhelming him from somewhere far above. The strange whisperings almost immediately send Boris onto his back in a daze with the caged recruits following in the order in which they were turned, until finally Dean, too, passes out on the floor for what follows.

And what follows is some sort of hallucinatory dream sequence I'll not be bothering to interpret, both because I very much doubt it will come back into play later this season and because -- and have I mentioned this before at some point? -- I've wanted this fucking boring episode over with for at least the last five weeks. Basically, the hallucination involves an older, spear-bald gentleman of color sending a couple of befanged Shining twins out into the world to have tea parties with their dollies in Illinois graveyards. Yeah, I don't get it, either. And neither does Dean, apparently, for he awakens from the vision even more befuddled than I am. Unfortunately -- or fortunately, I suppose, depending on how you look at it -- he has little time to ponder the deeper meaning of it all, because Boris is already up and unleashing the new recruits from their cages.

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