Supernatural

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The Hardy Boys Should Start Screening Their Calls

Deluded El Deano tiptoes into an empty house, creeps through the main floor, and NEXT!

Simple Simon's about to play in traffic. Good. NEXT!

Deluded El Deano brews up a fresh jug of holy water and yanks back the hall runner to spray-paint a deed-holding-demon-ensnaring Devil's Trap on the floorboards, and NEX...wait a minute. Wow. Deluded El Deano's lightning-fast with a can of spray paint, apparently, as he's gone from shaking the can to finishing the Devil's Trap in the brief few seconds it took...

...Simple Simon to wander another couple of steps further into oncoming traffic. God, I hate this show. ANY-way, Simple Simon's about to get smeared all over the asphalt by a tow truck when Deluxe Action Sammy With Super-Special Glow-In-The-Dark Brat-Snatching Hands leaps into the frame at the last possible instant to yank the kid to safety. "RATS!" shrieks Raoul, feeling thwarted. "Why must they deny me!?" They hate you, my scaly friend. "[Sob!]"Oh, buck up -- they hate all of us, because who didn't want to see that stupid little snot-nosed troll eat some steel and blacktop, am I right? "Thanks! I feel better already!" Not a problem, doll.

In any event, Sam speeds through another part of town in the rental, babbling to Dean via his cell that they're actually dealing with a crocotta, which he realized thanks to that whole "COME TO ME" crap from Lanie's computer, as the beastie in question tends to employ that very phrase in order to lure the stupid to their doom, after which the crocotta snacks on their souls. Suspiciously enough, we never see Dean offering his side of the conversation during this exchange. Even more suspiciously enough, "Dean"-- who'd only seconds ago mistook the creature of the week for a sandwich -- suddenly remembers that crocottas live in filth. "Sam!" "Dean" blurts. "The flies! At the phone company!" College Boy gapes, all, "STUPID! I AM SO STUPID!" and snaps shut his phone to rocket off towards...

...The Ohio Bell Dungeon. Night's fallen, and The Ginormotron lumbers around in the shadows for a bit, spying on Slimy Stewie -- remember him? Yeah, neither did I -- through a window for a bit until the latter exits his lair for the evening. Sam hastily drops an urgent message into Dean's voice mail, then creeps across the lot to slam Slimy Stewie up Stewie's car, pressing a sharp, triangular blade up against the base of Stewie's skull as he does so. I'm so bored with this episode, I can't even muster the strength to warn Darling Sammy about the numerous diseases he's likely picking up off of Stewie's skank ass right this very instant. In any event, Stewie pleads pathetically for his life until...Bald Boss whacks Darling Sammy in the head with a baseball bat! "DEATH!" shrieks Raoul, appalled. "DEATH TO THE ONE WHO WOULD HARM THE FREAKISH CRO-MAGNON SKULL!" Don't worry, Raoul -- that part's coming. "Oh, thank heavens! I do apologize, I'm sure, but I find myself most distressed when whenever some heartless miscreant abuses that charming little lad!" I think I knew that already. So, uh, may I continue? "By all means!"Excellent. So, Slimy Stewie gloats over Darling Sammy's distressingly unconscious form, all, "Yeah! That's what happens when you mess with the phone company, dillweed!" Fortunately for everyone involved, Bald Boss swings the bat around one more time and knocks Stewie's vastly smaller cranium straight into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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Supernatural

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