Supernatural

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Demian: C- | 1 USERS: A+
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The Hardy Boys Should Start Screening Their Calls

Dungeon, and if it's Thursday, Sam's lashed to a chair so this week's Creature Feature can speechify him to death. Or something like that. Slimy Stewie's strapped down in another chair, begging for his life, so of course "Clark" The Crocotta guts him like a fish. "VIOLENCE!" Raoul shrieks ecstatically. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE!" And then? After a moment, Slimy Stewie's head drops forward so a stream of blood might pour free from his mouth. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" While Raoul's writhing himself into a dizzying frenzy of joy over there on his overstuffed armchair, I should take a moment to note that when this episode first aired, the next bit made me leap forward in my seat, actually cackling in actual glee over what I thought was about to happen. See, no sooner has Slimy Stewie expelled his piddly little stream of blood than Clark The Croc bares row upon row of spiky fangs, only to next unhinge his lower jaw like he's going to inhale Stewie's head. Unfortunately, because this episode isn't anywhere near that exciting, The Croc simply inhales Stewie's immortal soul, or whatever, and wow. I guess that's yet another Reaper who's fallen asleep on her job, right?

And now for the endless speechifying portion of this evening's entertainment. It's incredibly tedious and entirely gore-free, so you'll excuse me if I paraphrase. Long story short, College Boy realizes Clark The Croc was actually on the other end of the line during his last call to Dean, which allows The Croc an opportunity to explain his motivations and methodologies and blah, and by the way, just so you know, and because I'm completely rambling at this point: The fact that Slimy Stewie was a tech geek of Indian extraction was a bit of misdirection on The Kripkeeper's part, for crocottas supposedly originate on the Subcontinent. Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: This tedious fucking scene. Clark The Croc slithers over to a switching station and magically activates any number of circuits to reach...

...a policeman he's evidently been harassing for the last couple of weeks. The guy -- whose cop-shop locker features a bumper sticker that reads "I [Heart] My [Gun]"-- has apparently been plagued with nonstop calls from his brutally murdered preadolescent daughter, who now informs her dear old dad that her killer's back at the house, waiting to slaughter him. The cop flies into an instant rage, but vanishes just as quickly so we might...

...rejoin Sam and The Croc down in the dungeon, and since The Croc will not shut the fuck up and kill Sam already, I'll be skimming past his ridiculous treatise on, like, Internet identity theft, or whatever, to hop over to...

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Supernatural

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