Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 5 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Raise a Little Hell
contents of The Dietician's veins should do quite nicely as far as all that goes, so they need to take her along, alive, as a Sammy Snack. To her credit, Lilith's Dietician immediately figures out what's going on, and decides to make Sam's final bout of corpse sucking as difficult as possible by...releasing the actual nurse trapped inside that body! Yawn. To be honest with you, I never cared as much about the original inhabitants of these demonically enhanced bodies as certain exceedingly overinvested and vocal members of the online community have, mainly because, you know, it's just a goddamned TV show, so whatever to this "Cindy McLennan, R.N." person now emerging from the...wait a minute. Did I hear that right? "You did not!" Care to add a little appropriate linkage to prove that assertion, Raoul? "And ruin my manicure!? Certainly not!" Then I'm going with my ears. Shout-out!

Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: Lilith's Dietician willfully drops herself into hibernation within the neonatal nurse's body, thereby allowing Cindy McLennan herself to resurface so she might take one look at Our Insane Hero and shout, "Hey, loser! What's with all the layers? Clothes off! NOW." The METAL TEETH CHOMP!, who couldn't possibly agree with Our Dear Cindy more, races onto the scene to oblige her request by tearing the multitudinous layers of fabric from Darling Sammy's remarkably healthy and expressive frame, though the hateful commercials arrive long before any of us get to see skin. "Phooey!"

Back from the break, we're flung back into the past, as the location card whisks us on over to..."GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Yep, the chapel of St. Mary's is positively painted crimson with the stuff as various broken and eviscerated nuns drip their freshly freed innards onto the marble floor, with Sister Mary Slapface herself draped most gruesomely indeed across the thoroughly desecrated altar. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" We are pleased with this turn of events? "Oh, we are, most certainly! It's so delightfully picturesque!" I'm happy you're happy, my scaly friend. Now, may I continue? "By all means!" Excellent. So, Father Ceiling Demon, having quite successfully made the appropriate sacrificial offering, eventually moves into the frame and kneels amid the blood and guts to plead with his still-absent father for some sort of revelation. Lucifer, with apparently immense amounts of effort, obliges him by reaching up from the depths of perdition to snatch tenuous possession of Sister Mary Slapface's corpse, and the dead nun gasps to something vaguely resembling life up there on the altar, but because Lucifer's so tightly confined below, he's able to manipulate little more than the corpse nun's vocal cords. Well, her vocal cords, along with that spasmodically twitching arm of hers. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "I'm here, my son," Lucifer rasps, completely ignoring Raoul's exuberance at his arrival. How rude. In any event, and long story short, demonically enhanced priest quickly gets to the point. "How do I bust you out?" Father Azazel asks. "Lilith," comes the expected reply. "But she's trapped neck-deep in the pit!" Father Azazel moans. "Lilith can break the seals," Lucifer emotionlessly insists, so Father Azazel's all, "Okay! Okay! How do I bust her out?" "You must find the child," Lucifer instructs. "The very special child." Father Azazel politely requests clarification as his eyes flip that sickly, marbled yellow of theirs. "What do you mean? What child?"

"You gotta be kidding me," Crazy Sammy sighs in the present, and did we all make that intuitive leap along with the camera? "We did! And I must say, it's quite thrilling indeed!" "Thrilling" is a good word for it, friend of friends, though I myself am inclined to use "awesome." More specifically, "fucking awesome." "Wheeeee!" That Azazel got his marching orders from Lucifer himself way back in 1972 to start searching for Darling Sammy and all of the latter's super-special mommy-free and -having brethren in 1973, thereby setting in motion the sequence of events that would break Lilith out of Hell 34 years later after destroying Our Intrepid Heroes' entire family while also forcing Dashing El Deano into that foolish deal he made with the sassy Crossroads Demonette, thereby ensuring Dean would break the first seal of The Apocalypse while The Stumpy Little Bow-Legged Lamb Of God was vacationing down below last summer? Again: Fucking awesome. Sure, there's probably a lot of what I believe the kids today call "retrocontivation" that'll be needed to knock all of the previous episodes' events into place within this fucking awesome reveal, but like I said above: It's just a goddamned TV show. "Correction! A-him! A fucking awesome TV show!" Raoul! Such language! And from one as delicate as you, as well! "Hee!" I'm shocked, I tell you! Shocked!

Okay, not really, but I thought some sort of reaction to his uncharacteristic seven-letter outburst was necessary. Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: The camera intuitively leaps forward in time from Father Azazel's question to the answer found on Crazy Sammy's face, and when the camera next steps delicately behind one of Crazy Sammy's remarkably broad shoulders, we can see he's pulled up an archived Ilchester Chronicle article on the St. Mary's Massacre back in 1972. Fun fact: The demonically enhanced priest's actual name is "Father Lehne." Oh, show. Oh, clever, clever show. In any event, and long story short, after Crazy Sammy and Princess Embolism discuss plot points we already know about, and after Crazy Sammy and Princess Embolism debate the situational ethics of draining every last drop of blood from Cindy McLennan's body, and after Crazy Sammy and Princess Embolism debate the situational ethics of draining every last drop of blood from Cindy McLennan's body some more, and after Crazy Sammy and Princess Embolism debate the situational ethics of draining every last drop of blood from Cindy McLennan's body one more goddamned time, like, Jesus CHRIST, you fucking morons! You've got about five hours to drive the 1200 goddamned miles from Cold Spring, Minnesota, to Ilchester, Maryland, and you're arguing ethics? Kill her! Kill the nurse and hit the goddamned road already! "Demian!" WHAT? "The scene's over!" Ooops. What happened? "That impressively large young gentleman stuffed the noisy little nurse-person into the trunk of the car and drove off!" Oh, excellent. Next!

Up in Heaven, Dean passive-aggressively knocks one of the angel statuettes from the mantel to the floor, shattering the thing, and he looks terribly pleased with himself, indeed, until My Sweet Baboo pops up to bust him. Hee. "You asked to see me?" Castiel opens. Dean did, and from there, the interaction devolves into a simmering little battle of wills when Dean demands to see Crazy Sammy, pronto, and Castiel counters that he's under orders to keep Dean where he is, and it all ends with Castiel magically and most awesomely turning the room's only door into a wall before fluttering off. "Dammit!" Dean pouts.

Meanwhile, on the road to Ilchester, Crazy Sammy rides shotgun in Princess Embolism's crapped-out Mustang, but that's not important, because what is important is that he's finally had a chance to check his product-placed Blackberry, and he stares glumly at the New Message notification for so long that Princess Embolism finally snarks, "What are you, a twelve-year-old girl? Just play it already!" Good one, Princess E. Crazy Sammy grumbles for her to mind her own business, and after forest noises emanate from the crapped-out Mustang's trunk, Crazy Sammy and Princess Embolism debate the situational ethics of draining every last drop of blood from Cindy McLennan's body AGAIN, and NEXT!

Dean whacks away at his prison's walls with yet another statue's heavy base, but the instant he blinks his eyes, the wall's magically repaired itself, and he's about to fly into a stumpy little bow-legged rage when Zachariah appears behind him to chide, "Quit hurling your feces like a howler monkey, would you? It's unbecoming." And...good one, Zachariah! Heh. Dean gets loud, so Zachariah patiently rolls his eyes and crosses to sit in front of an infinity mirror -- and that's a very nice shot, there, indeed -- before dropping the episode's next bomb: Heaven's "senior management" have no intention of preventing Lilith from breaking the final seal, and what's more, they never did. Yep, all season long, Zachariah and his upper-level celestial brethren have secretly been pushing for Armageddon in our time, and with that revelation, a significant portion of the color drains from the screen while at the same time, the idyllic Watteaus and Fragonards on the walls switch over to Medieval visions of The Apocalypse, most notably Josse Lieferinxe's "St. Michael Killing The Dragon." Again, all very nice visual touches in an episode that,

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