Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 5 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Raise a Little Hell
surprisingly enough, is full of them, but I suppose you're wondering about Heaven's inexplicable end game at the moment, right? "I am not!" I wasn't talking to you, Raoul. "Ooops! My most sincere apologies, I'm sure!" Don't worry about it. "I won't!" Ooof. ANY-way, the reasoning's pretty much what one would expect at this point: Senior management's of the opinion that our planet requires one of its "periodic enemas," thereby resulting in "paradise on earth," as Zachariah insists, and "what's wrong with that?" Dean, of course, finds plenty wrong with that, starting with the billions of people who are about to die as a result of Heaven's little "pissing contest," but alas. Our Intrepid Hero would pretty much get farther by arguing with an actual brick wall at the moment, because nothing he could possibly say at this point would ever dissuade Zachariah from the latter's intended course of action. Crazy Sammy gets name-checked, of course, but Zachariah's had it with Dean's puny human concerns, and directs his attention to the Lieferinxe that replaced "Blind Man's Buff." "You are chosen," Zachariah emphasizes. "You will stop it -- just not Lilith and The Apocalypse." "Which means?" Dean breathes, thoroughly freaked. "Lucifer!" Zachariah duhs, gesturing towards the painting. "You're going to stop Lucifer!" "You're our own little Russell Crowe," Zachariah adds with a grin, "complete with surly attitude." Dean doesn't find that remark anywhere near as amusing as I do, and listens with a disbelieving, hanging jaw while Zachariah promises him rewards beyond Dean's severely limited human imagination once he's led the forces of Heaven on through to their inevitable victory. Dean, finally having had enough of this crap, brazenly interrupts Zachariah's reverie to demand, "Where's God in all this?" "God?" Zachariah shrugs, not really caring. "God has left the building." DUN! Also: METAL TEETH CHOMP!

The Ghost Of St. Mary's. After an establishing shot of the long-abandoned and rapidly decaying convent, the camera scuttles inside to follow a night watchman as he makes his rounds through the ruin. He inadvertently points his flashlight directly into the camera's lens, and after the resultant flare subsides, Lilith stands behind him, smiling that broad, toothy grin of hers while perking, "Howdy!" Oh, wait. Did I lose you with that broad toothy grin bit? "You did not!" Shut UP, Raoul. GOD. "Hee!" ANY-way, what I meant to say is that Lilith's inhabiting that comely dental hygienist from Bloomington, Indiana, again, so there you go with the broadness and the toothiness and such. In any event, the security guard makes the expected noises, and Lilith quite predictably guts him like a fish, so let's head back up to...

...Heaven, where Desperate El Deano tries and fails to get a signal on his cell until My Sweet Baboo pops up behind him to reveal, "You're outside your coverage zone." Dean does not immediately ask, "Then why the fuck was I able to make that last goddamned phone call, huh?" because Dean is what we call "a blithering idiot." Instead, Our Intrepid Hero chooses to bitch to his angelic boyfriend about his degenerate brother's current sordid situation, but it's of little use, as Castiel must toe the company line lest he be sent back upstairs for another ass-reaming, or something like that that probably sounds a hell of a lot less dirty than the way I just put it. "[Titter!]" In any event, and long story short, Dean rails against his destiny and the destruction of the planet and whatnot, and Castiel shouts back that humanity isn't worth saving and such, and it's all very dramatic and touching, I'm sure, but to be honest with you, I stopped paying attention to the words spilling out of these shouty fools' mouths about eight minutes ago because I keep waiting for these dimwits to knock it off with the apocalyptic bullshit already and start making out. "Wheeeee!" I knew that visual would please you, Raoul. "It did indeed!" Is this scene over yet? "It is!" Excellent. Next!

The Ghost Of St. Mary's. Crazy Sammy and Princess Embolism stand on the outskirts of the abandoned convent's grounds and -- get this -- debate the goddamned situational fucking ethics of draining every last goddamned drop of fucking blood from Cindy McLennan's goddamned body AGAIN! The only bright point in the entire scene comes when Crazy Sammy steps off to one side to retrieve Dean's voice mail, and this is what The Ginormotron Antichrist hears:

"Listen to me, you blood-sucking freak! [Our worthless bastard of a so-called father] always said I'd either have to save you or kill you, so you are going down, Monster Boy! Do you hear me? DOWN! MUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Fine, so I embellished, but certainly no more than sneaky Zachariah did when he altered Dean's original message as Dean was sending it. Yeah, when this episode first aired, I was pretty sure Princess Embolism was responsible for this piece of reprehensible trickery, especially given the carefully placed cutaway to that triumphant little smirk on her lopsided face that hits just as Crazy Sam dejectedly hangs up his phone, but now, what with all of Zachariah's chatter about giving Sam a little push that I didn't bother to transcribe during his last scene with Dean, I'm now certain the angel engineered this absolutely tragic bit of miscommunication. So there.

And after Sam hangs up, they finally slaughter Cindy McLennan. "Hooray!" Off screen. "Rats!"

Heaven. Dean paces and paces and paces until he's finally tempted by one of those delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburgers from Delaware. Suddenly, My Sweet Baboo pops up behind him, whaps the delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburger from Our Intrepid Hero's hand, and tosses Dean up against the wall! "That charming little feathery fellow certainly waited long enough to make the first move, I must say!" No, not like that, Raoul. "Phooey!" If it were like that, I would have said, "Castiel tosses Dean up against the wall and starts humping!" "Good to know! Hee!" Now where was I? Oh, yes: Castiel clamps a hand on his boyfriend's mouth so the latter can't start screaming, yanks The Knife That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't from...somewhere upon his person, and proceeds to slice open his own forearm! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Castiel then wastes not an instant smearing his hand with blood before painting Anna's Angel-B-Gon sigil onto the waiting room wall. A furious Zachariah materializes at the far end of the room, but barely has his yelling started when My Deliriously Devious Baboo slaps his palm onto the gruesome symbol, and Zachariah explodes backwards in a gout of terrible white light. "We haven't much time!" I'm sure Castiel says before insisting they find Sam and stop him from killing Lilith. "But Lilith's gonna break the final seal!" Dean protests. "Lilith is the final seal!" Castiel duuuuuuuuuhs, and with that, he grabs Dean's hand to transport them down to...

...The Tragic Bachelor Pad Of Lousy Yet Remarkably Accurate Writing! "Hi, Chuck!" shrieks Raoul, waving madly at the television screen, for the dizzy lizard grew quite fond of the hairy little loser during the latter's last appearance on the show. Also because Raoul still hasn't figured out that the little people in the television set can't see him. In any event, judging by his computer's screen, Chuck seems to have finished the final chapter of The Winchester Gospel. Understandably, he wants to get laid before the world blows up, so he's on the phone with an escort ag

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