Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 4 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Raise a Little Hell
ency ordering himself up a couple dozen of their finest, and is quite naturally dismayed to find Castiel and Dean suddenly lounging around his roach-infested kitchen. Before we get any resolution to that particular conundrum, however, we must first bounce back over to...

...The Ghost Of St. Mary's, where Lilith and her minions prepare for Lucifer's arrival, and that was boring, wasn't it? "It was!" Oh, oops. Forgot about this part. Lilith places a sacrificial bowl of the night watchman's blood onto the chapel's desecrated altar, and when she returns her attention to the external hallway...all of her minions have dropped dead! DUN! Well, DUN! for the minions, I guess, for the source of their collective untimely demise is just now appearing around the far corner, and it's Crazy Sammy, again with Princess Embolism yapping away at his heels, and as Our Insane And Terribly Misguided Hero advances towards her with bloody murder darkening his eyes, Lilith puts on a good show of it by telekinetically flinging shut the chapel doors. Next!

Back at The Tragic Bachelor Pad Of Lousy Yet Remarkably Accurate Writing, Dean and Castiel have successfully extracted Lilith's current whereabouts from the reluctant Chuck, who keeps insisting that none of this should be happening, because Dean and Castiel "aren't in this story." "We're making it up as we go," My Deliriously Devious Baboo quips, right before The Prophet's Archangel begins his destructive descent from above to smite Our Intrepid Hero and his equally intrepid angelic boyfriend. "I'll hold him off!" Castiel bravely shouts above the din. "I'll hold them all off -- just stop Sam!" And with that, My Sweet Baboo touches two fingers to his boyfriend's forehead, instantly hurling Dean...

...into the depths of St. Mary's. Excellent and excellently efficient little effect, achieved as it is with little more than smart editing and a couple of fast lighting cues. Bravo, show. Bravo.

Meanwhile, Castiel stoically faces what could very well be his doom. Well, except for the fact that we already know Misha Collins'll be back for the fifth season, so whatever. As the Archangel's terrible white light floods Chuck's roach-infested kitchen, The Prophet Of The Lord places an amicable, we're-in-this-together hand on Castiel's shoulder. Castiel glares. Chuck sheepishly removes his hand. Hee! The Prophet and The Angel return their focus to that terrible white light, and as it intensifies to obliterate their images, we...

...slam back to St. Mary's, where Crazy Sammy's booted his way through the chapel door to unleash his Mighty Hands Of Discontent. Lilith flips end over end to whack her head -- hard -- against the desecrated altar's edge before flopping to the filthy ground, temporarily dazed. Sam advances upon her just as Dean rounds the corner at the far end of the hall. Princess Embolism swings her lopsided head around to shoot The Stumpy Little Bow-Legged Lamb Of God a hairy side-eye, then...telekinetically flings shut the chapel doors! I'd give that a DUN!, but I'm too busy wondering why those decrepit old things haven't fallen off their goddamned hinges by now. "Proper ongoing maintenance by the property's holding company?!"

A moment, if you please. Raoul? "Yes!?" Do you want a flagon? "Yes!" Then shut up and let me finish this goddamned recap before I die from old age. "Well! I never in all my life! Of all the nerve! You just can't be helpful to some silly little peo...!"

ANY-way, while Raoul indulges himself in a proper little tizzy, let's rejoin Our Insane And Terribly Misguided Hero as he steps up to Lilith's splayed form and smiles, "I have been waiting for this for a very long time!" "Gimme your best shot!" Lilith glowers, and oh, but this next little sequence is really quite well done. Sam raises a Hand, and as he does so, the sound of his own heartbeat swells to engulf the soundtrack. Once his hellish mojo hits Lilith's chest, the demonette in question rears up and glows white much as Uncle Arthur did two months ago, and Sam's heartbeat threatens to get drowned out not only by Lilith's agonized yet oddly dampened screams, but also by the demonic chorus that now joins all of the other noise in the room until The Stumpy Little Bow-Legged Lamb Of God's shouts from the hallway break through all of it, and Sam lowers his Hand to bleat, "Dean?" The image downshifts into slow-motion as Lilith collapses back to the floor behind him and Princess Embolism rages into blurry focus from one side of the frame, her howls of incredulous rage muffled by Sam's ongoing heartbeat until Lilith's peals of derisive laughter cut through everything else to snap the scene back to temporary clarity. "You turned yourself into a monster," she needles, "and now you're not gonna bite?" Crazy Sammy, thus effectively taunted, allows his eyes to flip beetle-black, and he lifts his Hand again as his heartbeat ratchets up for the final burst of his Satanic mojo, and after a very long moment, Lilith drops over into the season's final METAL TEETH CHOMP!, dead. Oops.

Moments later, Lilith's corpse sprawls at the base of the altar, and a thick stream of..."GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Ah. Are we feeling better? "Much!" Excellent. In any event, a thick stream of blood gushes from her gaping mouth to race across the chapel's stone floor, much to Our Insane And Terribly Misguided Hero's dismay. "What the hell?" he sputters. "Yes!" Princess Embolism exults. "EXACTLY!" Well, pretty much, for you see, this is the episode's final bomb: Ruby, in both Princess Sparkle and Princess Embolism form, has always been working for Sam's enemies, and this, here, is exactly what she, Lilith, and Azazel have been pushing Darling Sammy to do his entire life. Dun-dun-DUN! "And it is written," Princess Embolism recites from memory, "that The First Demon shall be The Last Seal!" The poor little easily manipulated puppy buries his face in his hands in shame as the blood pouring from Lilith's corpse swirls around on the floor, forming the season's final sigil on the chapel marble while Princess Embolism prances through her tiresome version of an end-zone dance, hopping around Darling Sammy's anguished form, all the while screaming, "I'M AWESOME! I'M AWESOME!" until Darling Sammy has little choice but to unleash his Mighty Hands Of Discontent in the aggravating bint's general direction. "Hooray!" One problem. "Rats!" The Mighty Hands no longer work because -- as Princess Embolism so distastefully puts it -- Sam "shot [his] payload on the boss." "Why, that filthy little minx!" I hear you, my scaly friend. I feel like soaking my fingertips in lye just from typing that out. "As well you should! Vile!" Indeed, but I should probably address the still-pending issue of Sam's useless Hands Of Discontent before Dean bursts into the room and kills her. Oops. Spoiler! "Yipee!" yelps Raoul, for he has become as tired of the character as the rest of us. "More!" Raoul shrieks. "More tired! [Yaaaawn!] Hee! See what I did there?!" Yes, Raoul. Very nice. "I thought so!"

Yeesh. ANY-way, as Princess Embolism would have us believe, all that demonic corpse blood Our Dear Boy's been sucking down this entire season had absolutely no effect on him at all -- no increase in strength, no transformation into a monster, nothing. "Really!?" Yes, Raoul. Pay attention. "Oh, I shall! This oughta be good, am I right?!" Raoul! "Sorry!" IN ANY EVENT, Princess Embolism gets in one last good one when she tells Devastated Darling Sammy, "You didn't need the feather to fly! You had it in you the whole time, Dumbo!" Was that a slur? "It was!" Listen, missy, the only three people around here who get to call Sam a moron are me, his brother, and his brother's boyfriend, so zip it! Princess Embolism ignores me, yapping away at Suicidal Sammy for a good fifteen minutes more, and for this, she must die. Fortunately, Dashing El Deano bursts through the barricaded chapel doors at this moment. Unfortunately, Princess Embolism decides it's time for yet another snotty remark. "You're too late!" she unwisely teases. "I don't care," Dean seethes, never breaking stride as he draws The Knife That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't Except In This Scene When It Actually Does from his belt, and at the last instant, poor, dear, broken -- and, let's face it, stupid -- Sammy rises from the floor behind her to pin down her arms while Dashing El Deano fillets Princess Embolism with her own goddamned blade. Kick ass. "VIOLENCE!" Yeah, that too. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"

And when she's gone, there's little left to do but wait for the end. Sam -- utterly wrecked, as I believe I noted somewhere above -- manages to weep, "I'm sorry!" in his brother's general direction, but barely have the words left his mouth when Lilith's river of blood completes its pattern on the

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