Man's Best Friend With Benefits

Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: F | 44 USERS: B-
The Worst Thing Ever

James snaps back to himself and stumbles off the bed. The brothers are left woozy by the sudden shift. James realizes that Ed has decided to make him his big, breakthrough case. There's some jealousy involved, as Ed was dropped as lead detective on James's first case. "But he needs proof," Portia says. "He's got it," James says. He also realizes what Philippe's statement means. He starts seething with anger. Sam and Dean reach out to calm him down, but James throws them back with his mojo. It's Portia's turn to try to stop him, but James dismisses her. "Our time together is over," he says. "Standing by you is my duty, my choice," she says. He wants her to live her life without him. When she protests, he shoves her away. Change into the Doberman and bite him in the nuts! Alas, she cries and runs away.

At the witchy lounge, Philippe sits at the bar with an Asian gentleman. "So, you don't think it's too late for me to wear braces?" Philippe asks. "You won't even notice them," his friend says. What the hell? He can make damask shirts appear out of nowhere, but he can't make himself have straighter teeth? Does that mean Portia didn't crop her own ears or dock her own tail? This is all getting creepier by the moment. James stomps across the room and throws Philippe down onto the bar. He grabs Philippe by the throat. Somebody call the ASPCA! For some reason, all the other witches leave. Tell me why," James says. "I had no choice," Philippe says. "My master made me!" Poor, stupid, naïve James doesn't believe him. He'd rather think that a cat framed him for murder. "Please don't hurt my face," Philippe whimpers. Any cat worth his Friskies would have clawed James's eyes out, sprayed his favorite sofa, pooped in his shoes and disappeared into the night. Alas, Philippe is as effete as he is vain. Realizing that Philippe is genuinely terrified, James pulls back a bit. Suddenly, Philippe's neck twists at a grotesque angle with a sound like a pretzel snapping. "He was always spineless," Spencer says from across the room. "Now? Literally."

James looks up, shocked. "It was you," he says, only just now realizing the truth. Just in case you needed any added incentive to not have sex with your dog, doing so apparently makes you dumb as a post. James still doesn't want to believe that his friend is a baddie, even though he just killed his familiar right in front of him. He thinks Ed Stoltz must have blackmailed Spencer somehow. "You're not using your thinking cap, Jimmy," Spencer says. Is anybody? "It was actually quite crucial that he didn't believe in the occult." Jimmy staggers towards Spencer. "I don't understand," he says. "Did either of you ever consider my feelings?" Spencer asks. James and Ed? No, they probably didn't. James finally realizes that Spencer is talking about Portia. Spencer felt insulted when Portia chose James. "When she chose you as master, I endured it. But when you two went all 'Bella and Edward,' broke the code..." He goes on for a while, but I just can't take him seriously. First, there's the matter of his ridiculous flowered tie and now he's referencing Twilight? Never mind that he's jealous because he didn't get to experience the joys of bestiality.

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