Man's Best Friend With Benefits

Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: F | 45 USERS: B-
The Worst Thing Ever

"Portia! Over here," someone sing-songs from across the room. They look over to see a young man occupying a gilded sofa. He has crazy cheekbones, a bit too much blush and just a smidge of eyeliner. "Dean, meet Philippe LeChat," Portia introduces them. Insert enormous groan here. Is Portia's name Portia La Chienne? "Dean's a wiccan from Detroit," she says. Dean gapes at Portia, because they didn't do the smart thing by going over the plan in the car on the way over. Philippe seems quite tickled by all this or perhaps by Dean, whom he gives the once-over. He invites them to have a seat and oh my Lord. His outfit. It's only now coming into full view and it's a doozy. It's bright red skinny jeans and a maroon damask shirt and velvet vest. As Dean sits, he lets out a dainty sneeze. He's allergic to damask. And to cats, because Philippe totally is one. Philippe basically says the "community" doesn't like that James is a cop. "Then there's you, babe," he says to Portia. "It isn't done, Portia, and you know it."

Dean is confused, but before anybody can enlighten him, Spencer Le Bad Guy joins their group. He makes googly eyes at Portia, which nobody but the cameraman picks up on. Portia makes introductions and tells Dean that Spencer is the one to ask. But before Dean can finish asking about witch-controlling spells, he's overcome by a sneezing fit. Spencer lies that he doesn't think it's possible for one witch to control another. "Philippe, it's time we were going," he says to his loudly dressed friend. Philippe leans closer to Dean and purrs, "So nice to meet you." Like, literally purrs. His eyes flash yellow and then, just like that, he's a beautiful black cat. Like Portia, a sign of his owned status circles his neck, although he's afforded the dignity of a slender chain that looks like a normal necklace, and not a clunky, blatant collar. Spencer strokes Philippe's head and, I think, looks a bit uncomfortable to be doing so.

That night, James is confined to his bedroom. Sam's gotten a call back from Stoltz and learned that the blood matches the third victim's. Things don't look good for James and they're about to get a whole lot worse... for us, the viewers. Portia, in her sexy nightie and collar, chains up her master. "I hate doing this to you," she says. She suggests they skip the chains and just not tell Sam and Dean. "I have to do the right thing," James says. She lies down next to him and rests her head on his chest. "I love you," she says. They kiss and then totally start having sex. Romantic music plays while I try to keep from vomiting. They're both very attractive actors, but their characters are dog and master. They can call her a "familiar," she can spend half her time as a human being, but she's still a dog the other half of the time. The first time we saw her, she was lying on the floor, whimpering. She was wearing a dog collar. She is still wearing a dog collar. Good Lord, what if she gets pregnant? Do they come out puppies? I can't think about this anymore. While Portia and James are in the throes of their forbidden passion, Portia suddenly sees the horrible murders as James has seen them.

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