Annie Hawkins, a dear old friend of Our Intrepid Heroes' that nobody's ever heard of before tonight, gives the boys a call to inform them of some deeply disturbing goings-on in an abandoned whorehouse out in Bodega Bay, California. Seems the place has been witness to a number of suspicious disappearances over the years, and while those disappearances did taper off for a period of time a decade or so ago, renewed interest in the decaying manor has led to a fresh rash of vanishings in recent weeks, mostly of young area couples intent on performing vile acts of filthy premarital fornication in the old bordello. Because they apparently have nothing better to do with their time even though we're a mere five episodes away from this god-awful season's finale, Our Intrepid Heroes immediately agree to meet this Annie Hawkins person, and they promptly climb into This Week's Crapped-Out Piece Of Automotive Trash to make the hours-long drive to the Left Coast.
Unfortunately, Annie decides to begin the investigation without them, and she quickly finds herself the latest victim of the old house's former owner, a spectral psychopath by the name of Whitman Van Ness. Dead Annie's quite naturally at an utter loss as to how to proceed until Our Intrepid Heroes finally blow into town with Dead Bobby in tow, and the two friendly ghosts team up to battle the haunted whorehouse's evil overlord together, mainly because Our Intrepid Morons are too stupid to figure out what's going on themselves.
Dead Annie and Dead Bobby consult with various of the defunct brothel's other post-life residents, all of whom were viciously murdered by the eminent Mr. Van Ness, and they become especially friendly with one long-deceased and terribly helpful hooker in particular until the latter incurs the wrath of their vengeful host, who vanquishes the unfortunate lass by burning her bones in the manor's miraculously still-functioning fireplace. You see, Van Ness maintains his control over his victims by storing their earthly remains in a hidden household chamber, so it becomes necessary, finally, to involve Our Otherwise Useless Morons, as only they can desecrate Van Ness's grave before offering all of the fiend's victims an appropriate mass cremation ceremony that will send their restless spirits onwards towards... whatever the hell happens to ghosts on this show when you kill them. And no, I don't know why Dead Bobby can't just set the damn house on fire himself and be done with it, so don't ask.
In any event, Dead Bobby quickly gets the attention of Our Otherwise Useless Morons -- now, after four months' worth of failed attempts, mainly because the script says so -- and after some expected complications, Dashing El Deano and Darling Sammy take care of the messy situation as best they can. The Van Ness vanquish has the extra added bonus of rendering Dead Bobby visible to Our Mostly Useless Morons, and in the end, after Poor Dead Annie has been sent on to wherever, Our Ungrateful Idiots yell at Dead Bobby for several minutes before climbing back into This Week's Crapped-Out Piece Of Automotive Trash and motoring on off towards their next adventure. Solid standalone episode, I must admit, but where the fuck are the goddamned Leviathans?
Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN!, and this evening's THEN! takes a full minute and fifteen seconds of screen time to remind us all that Dead Bobby is dead. To be honest with you, though, I can't really dump on it too much, because it's probably the best-produced THEN! in recent memory on this show, even if it does linger a bit too long on That Loathsome Guest "Star" Who Shall Not Be Named toward the end, there. Then again, I might be allowing my ongoing affection for the sequence's central character to cloud my judgment regarding the sequence's actual quality. Which reminds me of a question that, while often asked over the last couple of months, has yet to be answered in a satisfactory manner: Why kill the crotchety old hairball off in the first place if you're just going to bring him back now? Oh, Cheap Manufactured Melodrama! Where would this season have been without you?
Rattle, Rattle STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW! Somewhere dark and rain-streaked and remote, Our Intrepid Heroes perch atop the hood of this week's crapped-out piece of automotive trash, where Darling Sammy listens patiently and indulgently to Dashing El Deano's heartfelt and lengthy paean to the marvels of American fast food until Dashing El Deano shoves an entire Taco Macho into his mouth. That's talent. Naturally, even though Dashing El Deano procured an entire bag of food for the boys to split, Darling Sammy does little more than sip on a cup of ice water because -- as always -- he's watching that girlish figure of his.
After a bit of this, Dean's cell phone bleats, and he answers to find a thirtysomething Ellen-alike named "Annie Hawkins" on the other end of the line, just now calling to offer Our Intrepid Heroes her condolences even though Bobby's been dead for nearly five months already. Going by the easy and affable tone of the conversation that follows, Annie and the boys are obviously old friends, though I'll be damned straight to Hell if I can remember anyone on this show mentioning her before this evening. In any event, Annie claims she's calling because she's got a stack of Dead Bobby's old books, and would Dashing El Deano be interested in acquiring them for his collection? "Sure," Dean replies. "Where you at?" "Bodega Bay," Annie replies, "at the Crow's Nest Inn." "You working?" Dean wonders. "Always," Annie smirks. "You guys anywhere nearby?" They're near enough, as Dean readily admits, so he and Annie agree to meet for lunch the following afternoon at a restaurant I intentionally mishear as "The Tides," just to keep the Hitchcock references going for a little bit longer. And with their plans thus made, Dean and Annie hang up on each other so we might jump ahead to...