Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN!, and it's All DJ Qualls , All The Time up here in the THEN! tonight. I want to scream.
Rattle, Rattle STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW! The rapidly advancing NOW! oozes its merry way forward until it dissolves into the center of a blurry, crackling campfire that's blazing away somewhere ominous and remote, I'm sure. And while our eyes remain trained on the out-of-focus flames, a young man's voice can be heard to say, "Long ago in these very woods lived an old woman by the name of Jenny Greentree." By the time the young gentleman has reached the end of his initial sentence, the camera's made a gentle pan away from the fire to settle in on his face and wow. He's certainly nothing to write home about. The young gentleman's female companion, however, is most photogenic indeed, and as the camera shifts to pull our attention over to her, she takes this opportunity to punctuate her apparent boyfriend's opening with an appropriately spooky-sounding "Woooooo!" For we've arrived on the scene just as these two and their friends on the opposite side of the fire are trying to freak each other out with a series of campfire-appropriate ghost stories. "Forced out after her family was killed in a fire," the first young gentleman continues, of course referring to the unfortunate Miss Greentree, "she lost everything -- some say even her humanity." "That is so sad," the exceptionally photogenic young gentleman on the opposite side of the fire sarcastically croons and we will eventually learn this young gentleman's name is "Ray McAnn," so I'm gonna make things easy on myself by referring to him as "Jailbait Monster Chow" from here on out.
In any event, Jailbait Monster Chow's equally pretty girlfriend tells him to shut it so the initial young gentleman might continue with his story and why have none of these people died yet? We're nearly a full minute into the episode proper and none of these people have died yet! GOD, I hate this show. Anyway, the initial young gentleman informs his fellows that the unfortunate Miss Greentree eventually found herself homeless, scratching out a meager existence in the very woods now surrounding them and when a blizzard struck, the unfortunate Miss Greentree used the very last of her strength to carve her initials onto a nearby tree, after which she froze to death. "And her evil spirit has haunted these woods ever since!" the initial young gentleman concludes, punctuating his last line by sticking his flashlight beneath his chin and grimacing. Cool story, bro. Now, could someone please rip your goddamned head off?