Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 6 USERS: A+
The Secret of the Island Treasure

...This Week's Mournfully Underscored Motel Room, where Deeply Depressed El Deano takes a few belts of Johnnie Walker Black before he packs his signature leather jacket and the Impala's keys into a cardboard box, after which he settles down to scribble out what I'm assuming is his Death By Michael suicide note to the very few people he has left to leave behind, and there he goes again with that caveman clutch on the pen. "It's positively uncivilized!" Raoul shriekingly agrees, and thanks for keeping my back, there, Raoul, but I think the good people at home might be a tad more interested in the note's contents than in our previously discussed disgust with Deeply Depressed El Deano's vulgar writing habits. "You might be correct!" Alas, friend of friends, if I am, then the good people at home are shit out of luck, because we never get a clear view of the thing. "Pity!" Yep, as Dean slowly and painstakingly scrawls his final earthly thoughts out on a cheap motel room notepad, the camera hovers somewhere above his hunched-over shoulders to offer us little more than a few blurry glimpses at lines instructing someone to take care of Metallicar after he's gone. "How boring!" Indeed. "Did he at least make proper use of the word 'myriad'!?" I'm afraid we shall never know, Raoul. "Rats!"

In any event, Dean next places his sad little note into his suicide box along with his trusty pearl-handled automatic, and he seals and addresses the whole thing to Bobby's Emporium somewhere deep within the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota before heading back to the room's vanity to suck down one last glass of Johnnie Walker Black. "Atta girl! [Slurp!]" Unfortunately, as he draws the glass up towards those luscious Ducky Lips of his, The Ginormomope pops up from out of nowhere to gloom, "Sending someone a Candygram?" Needless to say, Dean's pissed that Darling Sammy somehow managed to track him down and ruin this epic moment of tragic self-sacrifice he's so carefully stage-managed for himself, and the two get very loud with each other over the various stupid abandonment issues they're still carefully nurturing despite the fact that THEY ARE BOTH FULL-GROWN ADULTS WHO SHOULD BE OVER THAT SHIT ALREADY, and Sam's all, "You can't do this, pissypants!" and Dean's all, "Stop me, crackhead!" and Sneaky Castiel's all, "No problem, idiot!" and with a couple of quick fingertips to the forehead, My Suddenly Appearing And Eminently Resourceful Baboo zaps Our Suicidal Dumbass all the way up to...

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