Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 6 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Secret of the Island Treasure

...Bobby's Emporium, where My Sweet Baboo flutters in on an angry gust of air with the still-unconscious yet undeniably fresh revenant slung across his shoulders. "Help!" Castiel growls, staggering beneath the revenant's weight, and he barely makes it across the length of Bobby's parlor to sling the revenant onto Bobby's cot when Our Intrepid Dimwits finally come trundling in from the kitchen. Way to go with all that helping, assholes. Meanwhile, Speed Racer's at long last managed to wheel himself over from his Pile Of Important Research and, trying valiantly to maintain a sense of surprise that in fact vanished for the entire audience the instant it saw Adam Milligan in the THEN!, Bobby gasps, "Who is it?" "Why, it's that adorable little bastard from last season! Has that charming little wheelchair-bound hairball not been paying attention?! I said so three scenes ago, at least! Do get with it, good sir!" Raoul. "Oui!?" Bobby Singer cannot hear you! "Well! There's certainly no call for that tart tongue of yours, I'm sure!" Just...just have another flagon, Raoul. "Okay! [Slurp!]" Rrrrgh. In any event, Sam and Dean are shocked and appalled, of course -- so shocked and appalled, in fact, that neither can see the very obvious direction in which this episode is now headed, and we head into this evening's very first METAL TEETH CHOMP! wondering if any of these dolts have ever watched their own goddamned show before.

Emporium. Immediate Aftermath. Bobby, Sam, and Dean flail and splutter about helplessly for an extremely long period of time until Castiel steps forward to take control of the entire idiotic situation by etching that Enochian invisibility sigil onto Adam's ribcage. Adam, who'd been blissfully unconscious up until now, bolts upright in extreme pain on Bobby's cot and, after the pain has subsided a bit, blurts out, "Where am I?" Darling Sammy hastily affixes his expression with The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes Of Deeply Felt Fraternal Empathy And Benevolence, and he begins to explain the strange situation when Adam snaps, "I know who you are!" Sam and Dean gape as Adam continues, "Now, where the hell is Zachariah?" DUN!

Sometime later, after Adam's had a chance to freshen up, the gang settles back down in Bobby's parlor to listen to Adam's version of events, and long story short, he was cooling his heels up in Heaven when a couple of angels fluttered in from out of nowhere to inform him that he had been chosen to save the world as -- wait for it -- Michael's Vessel. Generalized consternation abounds because the human members of Team Free Will apparently turned into drooling, brain-dead simps over the course of this season, and none of them therefore can figure out what's going on without Castiel explicitly spelling it out for them. And after we've established that yes, Adam is a likely candidate for Vesseldom because of his ancestry, Adam impatiently makes to leave, with the other four gentlemen present quickly and loudly pleading with him to stay. The only interesting bit of the babbling that follows arrives when Sam -- perhaps remembering how The Ghoul Who Ate Adam portrayed their half-brother as a cheerily dependable and firmly family-oriented sort of a lad -- appeals to the adorable little bastard's sense of kinship with the Winchesters. "You got no right to say that to me," Adam glowers. Sam gapes at Adam's entirely unexpected tone as Adam dismissively continues, "[Our worthless bastard of a so-called father] was some guy who took me to a baseball game once a year." "I don't have a dad!" Adam stresses before really getting into it with, "We may be blood, but we are not family -- my mom is my family, and if I do my job, I get to see her again, so no offense? But she's the one I give a rat's ass about. Not you." Dean's all, "Well, so much for that line of your typically douchey touchy-feely self-help crap, Sam. Do I get to handcuff the little bastard to the cot, already?" Only he's much more nonverbal about it. Sam refuses to relent, however, and he makes yet another appeal to Adam's sense of filial responsibility -- a sense Adam just told Sam he lacks -- in order to...I don't know, convince Adam to remain there of his own volition? Even though there's that great big ironclad panic room down in the basement that they could have shoved the little bastard into three entire minutes ago? Whatever.

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Supernatural

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