Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 6 USERS: A+
The Secret of the Island Treasure

...Heaven's Greenroom, of course! Marvelous Master Milligan loafs around beneath the frivolous Fragonards, merrily munching away on a stack of delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburgers from that seaside shack in Delaware, and if I'm remembering the consensus reached on the boards after last season's finale correctly, the fact that Adam is actually partaking of Heaven's comestibles likely means that Adam is now officially fucked. Oh, Adam. I hope your bacon double cheeseburger is freakin' worth it. Just as Marvelous Master Milligan's taken yet another whopping big bite, Zachariah materializes to condescend, "I see you and your brother share the same refined palate!" and Zachariah, darling? You make it awfully difficult to root for you when you denigrate the cheeseburgers. Just saying. In any event, what follows Zachariah's snide entrance is exactly what we've been expecting all along: Adam learns everything he's been told about his role in The Neverending Apocalypse is a lie. "You're not so much the chosen one," Zachariah smirks, "as you are a clammy scrap of bait." "I'm supposed to fight the devil!" Adam dimly protests. "Yeah, not so much," Zachariah sneers. "But if it's any consolation, you happen to be the illegitimate half-brother of the guy we do care about!" You see, the angels have known all along that Dean has but one blind spot, and that's his overpowering desire to protect his family. By dangling the resurrected Adam in front of Dean's nose and then snatching the slackjawed dupe away, Zachariah's pretty much guaranteed Dean will risk life and limb to track Adam down and save him, and that means Zachariah will at last have Dean exactly where he wants him. "This is the night, kid!" Zachariah exults. "The tumblers finally click into place, and it's all because of you!" "Yeah, I'm not gonna let you do this," Adam defiantly vows, and oh, Adam. Oh, stupid, stupid Adam. That stalwart little threat has barely flown from his lips when Zachariah flaps a hand around, and now the adorable little bastard's vomiting up blood thanks to a severe attack of angelically provided Ebola. "ZZZZZZ -- gooooooooooooore! -- ZZZZZZ!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Dean rouses himself from his Castiel-induced stupor to find his hand cuffed to the cot down in The Panic Room. Sam's been patiently waiting for him to wake up, and once Dean's gotten his bearings, the two yammer away at each other regarding recent events. Long story short, Castiel's already done "a recon" on Heaven's Greenroom, and as "the place is crawling with mooks," he and Sam have agreed to take Dean along on the rescue mission they've planned for the adorable little bastard. "Isn't that a bad idea?" Dean carefully wonders. "Cas and Bobby think so," Sam admits, "but I'm not so sure." "Well, they're right," Dean replies, "because either it's a trap to get me there to make me say yes, or it's not a trap and I'm gonna say yes anyway." "No, you won't," Sam counters, adding, "When push shoves, you'll make the right call," and is that a thing, now? That "when push shoves" nonsense? Because if that's a thing, nobody told me about it. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Okay! Okay. Moving on: Dean says something, and then Sam says something by way of response, and then Dean opens his gigantic yap to blabber on and on and on about something else, and none of it really matters because Jared Padalecki's looking especially broad and manly and yoooooge during this tedious sequence, and METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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