Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: B | 1 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys and the Art of Getting Laid

Cut to Dean sharpening a knife between his legs. Really! Dean is incredulous: "So, she just handed the providences over to you?" Sam is bitchy: "Prove-NAN-ces." Dean plays dumb: "Pro-pro-venances?" Sam says he went to her place and she gave him the papers. Dean goes fishing for details -- "And?" -- but Sam isn't biting, telling his brother to get his mind out of the gutter. While flipping through the papers and barely looking at them, Sam discovers the key piece of information they need. Investigation is easy! Dean reads it off: "Portrait of Isaiah Merchant's Family, painted 1910." Sam tells him to cross-check the owners of the painting with the names in the Daddy Diary. Owners of the painting were murdered in 1912, 1945, and 1970, and then it was stored until the Telescas bought it. The timeline doesn't hold because if, like the first purchaser of the painting, each owner died the year he bought the damn thing, what happened to it during the decades between each murder? Oh, well, hardly a quibble to consider at length and then publish on the internet -- oh. Right. Sam wonders whether the painting is haunted or cursed, but Dean doesn't much care: "Either way, it's toast."

Cut to a musical montage of the boys scaling the fence of the auction house with plenty of grunting and kick-ass guitar licks. Dudes really know how to bring out the Hessian in me. And in a strange turn of real time events, I just turned to my husband, curious about where the term "Hessian" to describe metalheads comes from and found out that while he doesn't know, he did once subscribe to a 'zine titled "Hessian Obsession." TWoP: Bringing Married Couples Together Through Bizarre Pop Cultural References.* ["We always called them 'heshers.'" -- Sars] So the guitars wail, and a handheld camera takes us through the boys breaking in to the auction house. I think this show does surprisingly well with these music-video-type sequences (I'm thinking of "Skin" [recap coming, I promise!] and "Faith" in particular). Sam disarms the alarm while Dean picks the lock; the boys make their way through the darkened warehouse with their flashlights in total tough guy jazz hands position. They spot the painting, run over to it, Dean slices the canvas out of the frame, and then we fade to the boys outside setting it on fire. Cut back inside the warehouse, where the painting regenerates in its frame while the boys watch it burn outside. Metal Teeth Chomp.

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