No Rest For The Wicked

To Hell With The Hardy Boys - Hellhounds drag Dashing El Deano away until next season's premiere, and everyone is very sad indeed. Well, you know. Everyone save those of us still shrieking about those meat hooks at the end of the episode. "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The Hardy Boys Do The Ultra-Violent

Time Is On My Side - Well, they tend to do the ultra-violent every episode, but this is the first to feature an explicit Clockwork Orange reference, so there you go. A freak of nature imperils The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes, and hellhounds tear Posh Bela to bits. "GOOOOOOOOOOORE!"

The Hardy Boys Should Start Screening Their Calls

Long Distance Call -

Especially now that Daddy Shut Up (or, you know, a reasonable facsimile thereof) has taken to nagging them from the afterlife via his heavenly Verizon Wireless LG enV. Shut up, Sucky John.

It's The Hardy Boys' Party

Ghostfacers - And they'll cry if they want to, especially because their show got hijacked for the entire hour by two homophobic shitheads from a third-rate first-season snorefest. Ewwwwwwwww!

The Hardy Boys Got This Plan

Jus In Bello - It's called "Save Ass," but the only asses it ends up working on are their very own. And while those are some very fine asses to save, indeed, the whole thing sort of falls short of the goal.

The Hardy Boys Freeze Their Butts Off Waiting To Worship A Rat

Mystery Spot - That's right, Woodchuck-Chuckers: It's Groundhog Day!

The Hardy Boys In The Sky With Diamonds

Dream A Little Dream Of Me - Our Intrepid Heroes, like, do some stuff, you know? Man, am I wasted.

The Hardy Boys Vanquish The Charmed Ones

Malleus Maleficarum - They had no right, and they had no power, so Our Intrepid Heroes turned their hate-sticks into geysering founts of blood and gore. With maggots. And teeth.

The Hardy Boys Have To Muddle Through Somehow

A Very Supernatural Christmas - No I'm not crying. Shut up.

Move Over, Buffy...

Fresh Blood - ...because Sam could teach you a thing or two about vampire slaying, as after a still-insane and obsessed Gordon is turned, Sam decapitates him with some razor wire and his bare hands. In case you're wondering? Yes, it RULES!

Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

Red Sky At Morning - Lucky hag.

The Hardy Boys Wet The Bed

Bedtime Stories - Well, they are being awfully pissy with each other, don't you think? Fairy tales come to life until Darling Sammy Zelda Rubinsteins a comatose woman into The Great Beyond.

The Hardy Boys Get Molested

Sin City - Primarily by a boring script, but we shouldn't overlook the stellar effort put forth by that especially handsy priest. Not to mention all those tranny hookers.

The Hardy Boys Have A Furry Fetish

Bad Day At Black Rock - No, sickos. A rabbit's foot. It's a furry rabbit's-foot fetish that's been slaughtering unfortunates for the last hundred years. Too bad it left that British chick alone.

The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies

The Kids Are Alright - Because kids suck.

The Hardy Boys Cure Insomnia

The Magnificent Seven - In which Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Lincoln, Nebraska, to bore The Seven Deadly Sins to death. Yawn.

The Hardy Boys, Triumphant!

All Hell Breaks Loose, Part II - We knew they were going to get the better of Our Yellow-Eyed Acquaintance sooner or later. So why did it all suck so much?

The Hardy Boys, Defeated!

All Hell Breaks Loose, Part I - Well, after all, Darling Sammy does end up a ginormous slab of corpse meat at the end of this one. Given that, what would you expect me to call it?

The Last Temptation Of The Hardy Boys

What Is And What Should Never Be - Dean falls prey to a frigging genie who grants him his deepest wish, and it ends as badly as you'd expect. Oh, Dean!

The Hardy Boys Try Not To Drop The Soap

Folsom Prison Blues - Sam and Dean hit the big house to investigate a series of suspicious heart attacks at the behest of one of their rotten father's old Marine buddies, and never has prison orange looked so good.

The Hardy Boys Do Hollywood

Hollywood Babylon - If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

The Hardy Boys Cough Up A Hairball

Heart - Darling Sammy meets a saucy and insouciant lass and plugs her. In more ways than one. Darling Sam is never, ever going to get laid again, is he?

The Hardy Boys Realize Hope Floats

Roadkill - Among other things. A shapely guest ghost thinks she's still alive. Our Intrepid Heroes disabuse her of that notion. Slowly.

The Hardy Boys Work Each Other's Last Damn Nerve

Tall Tales - Of course, they receive a little assistance in their endeavors from a deathless Trickster, but it's not like they weren't halfway there to begin with.

The Hardy Boys Learn Possession Is Nine-Tenths Of The Law

Born Under A Bad Sign - While road-tripping through the Midwest, Our Intrepid Heroes run into an old friend. Unfortunately, said old friend immediately gets all up in Darling Sammy and starts making him do some very naughty things. Uh-oh.

The Hardy Boys Get Touched By An Angel

Houses Of The Holy - And for the second week in a row, it's not in the good way. Darling Sammy has a crisis of faith, and Dean pretends to care. Along with everybody else on the planet.

The Hardy Boys Are So Screwed

Nightshifter - And not in the good way, either.

The Hardy Boys Check In To The Overlook Hotel

Playthings - Or a reasonable facsimile thereof in Connecticut, where they find the eternally preadolescent spirit of the current owner's aunt leading the relatively blameless into some spectacularly gruesome deaths. Our Intrepid Heroes, buzzkills that they so often are, quickly put an end to all that.

The Hardy Boys Need Their Space

Hunted - Well, one of them does, at any rate. After Dean spills The Big Secret That So Totally Is Not, Sam surreptitiously takes off in a furious little snit to perform a bit of investigating on his own. Too bad Gordon Walker's drawn a big, fat bull's eye on Darling Sammy's remarkably broad back.

The Hardy Boys Go Viral

Croatoan - Lousy idea for a joke, yes, but this episode deserves whatever awful wordplay it gets. A mysterious demonic contagion overruns a wide spot in the road, and it's left to Our Intrepid Heroes to figure out what's going on. In between deadening bouts of The Angst, of course.

The Hardy Boys Don't Want No Mean Mistreaters

Crossroad Blues - Our Intrepid Heroes hit some random burg somewhere to investigate the suspicious dog-related deaths of a bunch of sniveling yuppies. They shouldn't have wasted their time.

The Hardy Boys Spew Blasphemous Profanities

The Usual Suspects - Our Intrepid Heroes hook up with Linda Blair to rid Our Beloved Series of infamous show-killer Jason Gedrick. Let's hope he stays dead.

The Hardy Boys Meet Nancy Drew

No Exit - And then they lose her skinny little blonde ass when the undead spirit of Dr. Henry Howard Holmes drags her into a disused sewer junction beneath the streets of Philadelphia to hug her and pet her and name her George.

The Hardy Boys Are Not The Droids You're Looking For

Simon Said - Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Guthrie, Oklahoma, where an apparently affable psychokinetic has been pushing the elderly in front of speeding buses via the power of his mind -- or has he?

The Hardy Boys Have A Suisse Mocha Moment

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things - Our Intrepid Heroes rid their birthplace of a zombie, then retire to the Impala for pedicures and facials. In other news, Sam discovers porn. Pity he just lost use of his right hand.

The Hardy Boys Stifle Their Gag Reflexes

Bloodlust - No, not like that! In a morgue, while examining a disgustingly mottled corpse! No, not like that either! God, you people are sick. In other news, cow-sucking vampires just vant to be left alone.

The Hardy Boys And The Case Of The Idiot Children

Everybody Loves A Clown - A bunch of miniature morons allow a deranged serial killer into their homes in the middle of the night. Everyone suffers. Also: Sam and Dean have Issues.

The Hardy Boys Get Frisky Over A Pottery Wheel

In My Time Of Dying - So it's actually a non-Ouija Ouija board. Sue me. Dean nearly voyages into the great beyond, but Shut Up Daddy sacrifices his own life for that of his son. Sniff.

It's Time To Put This Hardy Boys Thing to Bed

Devil's Trap - Daddy Winchester is possessed by the Ceiling Demon. Sam and Dean rid him of this possession. He gripes at them about it.

The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of Genetics

Salvation - John Winchester makes a series of stupid decisions when he leaves his boys to fight the Big Bad alone so that he can walk straight into Short Lip Meg's obvious trap. Nobody succeeds.

The Hardy Boys Meet The Lost Boys

Dead Man's Blood - A gun rumored to be able to kill anything falls into a gang of vampires' undead hands. It's pretty easy to get back.

The Hardy Boys and the Art of Getting Laid

Provenance - A haunted painting is killing its owners. Sam makes a differential equation of pain and suffering out of what should be a 2+2=4 hook-up with a hot art expert.

The Hardy Boys Toil and Trouble

Something Wicked - While hunting a witch that preys on children, Dean flashes back to when he and Sam were kids.

The Hardy Boys 2.0

Hell House - A haunted house legend gains power as more and more people read about it on the internet.

The Hardy Boys Are Daddy's Boys

Shadow - The brothers call their father to Chicago to help fight what they think might be the big bad. It turns out, however, that the whole thing was a trap orchestrated by Meg.

The Hardy Boys: It's What's (Almost) For Dinner

The Benders - Nothing technically supernatural this week, just a bunch of regular Minnesotan hillbillies with a penchant for hunting other people.

The Hardy Boys Get the Night Sweats

Nightmare - Sam has premonitions about an abused son killing his father and uncle with telekinetic powers. While trying to keep the kid -- whose biological mother was also flambéed a la Mary Winchester -- from killing his stepmother, Sam finds out that he can move things with his mind.

The Hardy Boys Get Some

Route 666 - Dean's ex-girlfriend calls the boys for help when her father is killed by a racist, anthropomorphized truck. Yes, really.

The Hardy Boys Get Religion

Faith - When Dean's heart is severely damaged after a monster electrocution gone wrong, the brothers travel to see a "faith" healer. Dean gets healed but, gasp, there's something fishy about the circumstances and the brothers spend some time walking around trying to solve the mystery.

The Hardy Boys Go Off to See the Wizard

Scarecrow - A quaint farm town sacrifices unsuspecting strangers to a pagan scarecrow god to assure the town's prosperity. A girl named Meg, who has a talent for slashing throats and communicating with demons, enters Sam's life.

The Hardy Boys Are Not the Boss of Each Other

Asylum - A job at a haunted asylum brings out some major sibling issues for Sam. Major as in "tries to shoot his brother in the head" major.

The Hardy Boys Do the Zelda Rubenstein Thing

Home - Sam and Dean return to their childhood home to find it possessed and determined to kill its new inhabitants.

The Hardy Boys Go Native

Bugs - Sam and Dean investigate a mysterious death in Oklahoma, and discover that land being developed into a housing complex is under a Native American curse.

The Lord God Your Hardy Boys

Hook Man - A Reverend's daughter starts taking her Sunday School lessons a little too seriously when she conjures the Hook Man to kill her friend when she suggests they watch Reality Bites.

The Hardy Boys Need To Exfoliate More

Skin - A shape-shifter thinks Dean's skin is the perfect outfit for knife-torturing Sam and some other girl. Dean has to shoot his doppelganger dead.

Off With the Hardy Boys' Heads!

Bloody Mary - Sam and Dean investigate a couple of mysterious deaths connected by the Bloody Mary legend. What they find is shocking: Bloody Mary is actually the freaky girl from The Ring!

The Hardy Boys Resolve to Exorcise More

Phantom Traveler - A plume of black soot is possessing people and causing them to crash airplanes. Sam and Dean exorcise it by speaking very bad Latin.

Acqua di Hardy Boys

Dead In The Water - A childhood murder resurfaces when the spirit of a drowned Boy Scout starts taking revenge on the men who killed him three decades ago.

The Hardy Boys Camp Out

Wendigo - The Wendigo legend gets dragged out of the Closet of Uninspiring Forest Monsters as the brothers help a hot chick find her granola nut brother.

Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Pilot - Follow the daring and darling Brothers Winchester as they scour the countryside in their vintage Chevy Impala on a single-minded mission to vanquish various and sundry succubi. No, seriously -- follow them, 'cause it's not as bad as it sounds. Hey, where are you going? You're gonna miss Jensen Ackles's ass! Oh, whatever.